Buttholes

Sometimes, when you haven’t written for awhile and you can’t think of anything else to write about, you have to address the buttholes. So this post, I promise, isn’t directed at 99% of you. It’s for the buttholes. But you’re welcome to read along because, let’s be honest, it’s fun to make fun of buttholes.

The buttholes are sending me emails and leaving me comments—even setting up Twitter accounts to @ me and say mean things. But before I address the content of their attacks, I want to ask these people directly: Have you ever paused to wonder why no one sends you terrible emails, leaves mean comments, or attacks you on Twitter?

I’ll tell you why. It’s simple. It’s because you’re a butthole.

No one wants to praise you or condemn you because you don’t matter enough to appear on anyone’s radar. It’s sad, really. It arouses my compassionate mind. You poor, poor buttholes. Your impact on the world is so slight. You’re just inconsequential clouds who get deleted before your rain even hits the sidewalk. Delete delete block.

Poor, poor buttholes

No friends, no lives, no souls

*

So here’s the gist from the butthole gallery: Ha ha you struggle with alcohol. Guess you’re no better than obese people now, loser. You lush. My parents drank and I hate them. Your kids are going to hate you… FOREVER (VER VEr Ver ver).

Okay. First of all, buttholes, stop blaming your pathetic lives on your drunk parents. The First Step toward maybe not being a butthole is admitting that you’re a complete butthole. Think about it. You derive pleasure from taunting a man with substance abuse problems who writes an internet blog. Look in the mirror, butthole.

Second, I have never said I was better, in a comprehensive way, than obese people. Am I healthier? Answer the question, butthole. Am I better looking than obese people in terms of our current cultural constructs of beauty? Answer the question, butthole. But to say those things is not to say that I’m BETTER than someone. If an obese person hears it that way, that’s their self-esteem issue, which may or may not be linked to—dare I say it?—their fucking obesity. Or their pathetic upbringings (cf. buttholes).

Listen. I could beat ANY 400 pound human being in a 10K race. But let’s be specific. That’s me saying I’m a better runner; not just BETTER. That same person might kick my ass in cribbage, be better at calculus, know more about dinosaurs, or earn 7 figures writing slapstick for Republicans.

I never said I was better than obese people. All I said was that there are changes that courageous obese people could make to improve their lives rather than faking a posture of acceptance.

Which brings me to my struggle with the booze. Should I just ACCEPT it and carry on, drinking  and drinking until everything that matters is gone? NO. Should I whine about my parents? NO. Should I whine about the cultural context that endorses and perpetuates addictive behavior? NO.

Why not? Because I’m not a victimized whiny butthole.

My name is Black Hockey Jesus and I’m and alcoholic and I haven’t had a drink in 10 days. My kids love me like flowers love the rain. So keep bringing the noise, buttholes. It only makes me laugh louder and pours gas on the fire in my head while you rub two sticks together in cowardly emails and anonymous blog comments.

*

NOTE: Inspired in part to quit drinking by the relentless badgering of Maggie Dammit, I started sending her what might be called daily updates of my progress, but they’re more like one sentence declarations that seek to jam your rational systems and fill you with awe and wonder. A short list of recipients is growing and it’s had the surprising side effect of keeping me accountable. I’ve dodged a couple weak moments by remembering that a small handful of people would wonder where my daily update is. If you’re interested in receiving my daily sober affirmation like thing, leave your email in the comments or shoot me a request to . The more the merrier. I’ll even send them to buttholes. ~bhj



Comments

I love Maggie. I've also been hearing from a lot of butt holes lately.
There seems to be some type of butt hole revolution going on.

I heart Maggie and had a great conversation with her the other day because we finally became FB friends. (How we weren't already FB friends is a mystery.)

I've been wondering how you've been doing after the last vodka tweet I saw (10 days ago, I guess) so you could add me, for sure.

I get this in so many ways. I even got my own brand of Australian buttholes down here. They just make me write better. Whatever.

I'm signing up for your daily affirmation things. I need all the help I can get. Do you ever wonder if Bill W. and Dr Bob had twitter accounts .. what they would say to each other? They were pretty fucking cool cats, really.

Your braver than I am. (Note: I didn't say better.) I just crawled into my hole and licked my wounds all day. I like the butthole call out response much, much better. Add me to your list - I love keeping people accountable, it's like a to do list - and I'm a Maggie Dammit groupie.

A butthole named Dave pokes his ugly head (or butthole) into my blog every now and then. Sometimes he takes my breath away, he's so mean, but he's also profoundly stupid. What bothers me more than his comments, though, is my reaction to them, a quick fists thrown up, verbal parrying, exultation with a gnawing stomachache. I'll sign up for the daily email. Please.

You know what? I do want to know how you are doing. I, personally, think that the way your mind thinks is just too damn amazing to slow it down with anything. Keep running...you'll get there someday.

I love your writing - appreciate your sharing of struggles and buttholes and the beauty of your kids. All of it. Really.
Thanks.
Buttholes are always stinky but I guess we need them? or something.

Would it help if I sent some Orange-Pineapple Faygo? I would do it in a heartbeat. But truly, I am cheering you on, no matter how many attempts are needed to reach your goal. It is worth it.

FOREVER (VERVERVververv...) Bahahaha, fantastic.

The Maggie idea seems like a most excellent one - remember people talked about AA alternatives? Nice work, hope it keeps working.

You know, my blogger friend Kelley has a blog about her life with her autistic son - she got stalked and trolled and this woman set up a hate blog... all about. Buttholery abounds to an incomprehensible extent.

I don't know what is going on but this cyber bullying thing is just going crazy. I am a member of a weight loss community and they are being relentless on this one very motivational, outspoken, eloquent writer of feelings. So much so that she decided to take her page offline, what a shame.

How could someone say something about your kiddos. That is just down right EVIL.

Keep fighting the good fight and to hell with the haters (buttheads).

Stay drink free and I would love to get updates. I am all for anything that can help you. I think you can see my email from this post?

Keep on keeping on. :)

You went pretty easy on the buttholes. Maybe being a butthole has a genetic factor like alcoholism or obesity. It's awfully hard to break yourself of something that comes so naturally.

And for the record, let me say that I have never had the impression that you ever thought yourself "better" than anyone. You just don't happen to have the patience for whiny fat people who are too lazy to do the hard work to become healthy and believe that they can convince people that they have no responsibility in the matter. I happen to be fat and there's no excuse for it but that I eat more than my body requires.

Don't let the buttholes get you down - because hey - they're just buttholes. They say more about themselves with their attacks than they say about anyone they pick on.

Good for you BHJ! I have never been one to take criticism well and I like how you turn it into a motivator for you. There are always seems to be a few (or more) in a good bunch of people that try to be the spoilers... too bad, but that's just life I guess.

Side note, am also very impressed with your running times... 9mi at 7:39 pace?! I am jealous!!! ;-)

Oh God. You know, back when you first wrote about obesity I really took issue with your tone and assumptions. And the way you called me bitter, bless your heart. But that was, what? A year ago? With the greatest respect, I'm not sure why anyone would give a fuck what you said, a year after the fact. How exhausting. Buttholes, you exhaust me.

I love that when you fall down, you get back up right here with everybody watching. That shit's hard.

Fuck them. There's seldom any excuse for buttholery.

I always think: How miserable must these people be when they finish typing this venom and then turn away from the computer? Do they take their misery to their kids? Their spouse? Their cats? I just don't think you can turn from being a "butthole" on screen to a lovely person off (kind of like how mean old people were once mean young people).

Our kids will ALL grow up to love many aspects of us and loathe others. I'd rather show them an honest struggle than be an ass toward someone going through the struggle.

Prove them wrong. That's all.

No butthole comments.
Keep up the hard work!
And the great posts.

You used the @ symbol as a verb. Bad ass.

Read you all the time, rarely comment, would like updates. :) Am a fellow alkie.

i would love to see you and a butthole debate it out IRL. Oh yah, they would need to be courageous and have some integrity to even show up. Wait. Nevermind.
10 days - keep going!
xo

Two thumbs up! 1. I like the word buttholes and anyone that uses it that much in a blog post. 2. It is hard to overcome addiction, which is always linked with depression. It is a vicious cycle and takes more energy than most are willing to expend. Good on you. Also, it takes courage to admit openly that you have a problem. That is another thing that most people are unwilling to see in themselves. So thank YOU for sharing.

It's sad that some people with serious weight issues got their feelings hurt so badly that they have started lashing out at your for your shortcomings. It's not surprising, but it's still sad.

I'd be glad to be added to your emails list. You have my address.

Outstanding response to the buttholery. Frankly, I think you're being too nice by merely calling them buttholes.

Send me the emails. As a former depressed addict, I'd have given a testicle to have a community of ready-made supporters. It would be an honor to support you now and possibly save you a testicle.

'No one wants to praise you or condemn you because you don’t matter enough to appear on anyone’s radar.'

This might be the most depressing sentence I've read in a long time.

Can you imagine how terribly sad it is to be the person who feels like she doesn't matter enough to appear on anyone's radar? to feel so unknown, unnoticed? And then to turn, for comfort, to the mediated environment of the internet that puts its faith in such small false gods? It's such a lonely world, and we are so desperate to be seen, to be heard, to MATTER. And it's so difficult to feel like we do.

It seems we are so very careful with our own feelings and so careless with the feelings of others. Maybe this perpetuates our loneliness and frustration and craving, until we find ourselves writing hateful words to strangers we can't possibly know because at least it's a way to be heard. Perhaps a cruel voice feels better than no voice at all, when you are so inconsequential you are neither praised nor condemned.

I'm sorry that strangers come after you. And I don't know the proper response to unkindness, whether one should confront directly or turn the other cheek or shrug and walk away. But I do know this: that sentence about someone not mattering enough to appear on anyone's radar? It strengthened ever so slightly my resolve to pay attention to each person I encounter, to make their presence matter. It might not rid the world of all buttholes. But it might thin their ranks.

For some reason, this post also reminded me of something my own personal Jesus said in his oft-quoted commencement speech:

'The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day. That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.'*

Compassion is not for pussies.

*http://moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words

I'm Star and I used to be 310 pounds. I'm currently 145. My lowest weight has been 135 but I still have ten pregnancy pounds hanging around.

I lost it by diet and exercise and generally being a fucking badass. It was hard and annoying and sometimes I would have cut a bitch for a funnel cake but it was one of the most worthwhile things that I have ever done in my life.

I have never once, as a former MORBIDLY OBESE person, thought you were saying anything other than the truth. Being fat is not fun or attractive or awesome. It makes you ill and tired and unhealthy. I was healthier and more attractive than most at 310 pounds, but I was still not healthy. And I was causing serious damage to my body. And at 310 pounds if I had read your blog I would have seen it as inspiring, not mean.

Also, my dad was an alcoholic and he got his shit together and I don't hate him or blame him for any problems. I love him and think he was fantastically brave and awesome to be able to go, "Ok, this stops now."

I think you're brave and awesome, too. Fuck the haters.

You have a lot of people pulling for you. Don't let a few buttholes get you down.

Buttholes come in all shape and sizes. Not sure why people waste their time being annoying to strangers. If someone is going to act like an asshole, at least do it with your friends and family members. Be strong!

Congrats on ten days' sobriety. Just wondering, though, how an alcoholic rates healthier than an obese person?

Let's do some labs and find out.

Now you're picking on those poor labradors!

Stay fast and strong.

Don't let them get you down. Stay strong. Ignore the bullies. That is all they are - anonymous bullies. Please put me on your update list.

I'd very much like the daily email please. Thank you.

Put me on the email list, pretty please, sir.

you rule
buttholes drool

I'd love to be added.

Also, I think the buttholes need to get laid.

Daily affirmation for me too, please.

I am so inspired by your posts. I am also impressed with your fast per mile pace. A younger me would have been intimidated by your words and speed. And felt ashamed that I was not good enough. I am too much of a wuss to ever have deflected by lashing out like some buttholes. And of course some of those buttholes drink their own koolaid and believe in their own "perfection." But age has taught me there will always be someone wittier or faster or skinnier or soberer or richer or..... When I seek that perfection that would give me the platform to be the butthole, I find an empty, lonely, exhausting and meaningless life. I just have to stop myself from getting on my high horse about not getting on my high horse. My recovering mama taught me the riches of embracing myself, "warts and all." Good luck to the buttholes on their high horses. It is a long way down when you fall.

Please add me.

I think I'd rather be an alkie than a bitter, finger pointing fatty. So far I am neither but I don't think I am better than anyone else either. Just luckier, as in there but for the grace etc., etc.

If you want to see the current condition of the American Obesity Epidemic try sitting by any school bus stop and watch kids get off. Back in my day there might be one fat kid per class. Now you have trouble finding the THIN kid in the class. Every time I see an obese mother herding along her several extremely fat children I want to yank her aside and scream WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? These poor kids who don't know any better yet (because they are still in grade school) are being given a life long battle with obesity because they are being fed by people who ought to care and don't. It just makes me so sad.

Keep up the good fight. You are worth it.

Read you all the time. One of my favorite blogs yet I never comment. Sorry. I want updates!

buttholes are cool. huhhuh.

yours,
beevus

I'm really in deep, deep like with a whole lot of these comments.
I keep opening and closing my mouth, trying to make the right words appear.

This post read something like a speech at a gathering of radicals. I love that about it.

My father was/is an alcoholic..Been sober for 11 years now I think. My oldest brother is an alcholic (3ish years sober now) and almost died from acute alcoholic hepatitis. My other brother is a drug addict who has been in rehab multiple times (I have no idea if he is clean now or not) so I think it's fair to say I know a little bit about alcoholism. I would love to help you be accountable. If only there had been so many people keeping my dad and brothers accountable, they would not have had to suffer with this disease for so long. It is a long, very hard road to get where you want to be and I would be honored to help. So sign me up for the emails!

Hey, don't let the bastards get you down. Those who live in glass houses, etc., etc. Anybody who has time to randomly tweet somebody else about THEIR problems obviously has too much time on their hands and is not creating anything worthwhile and should probably just be locked up forever, somewhere, to run on a treadmill and generate green energy for the rest of us.

That being said, I am glad I found your site. I thought I was the only dad out here who used profanity :).

i do not like butt holes. i do like you. Yes, add me please.

I have a few buttholes of my own to deal with. I mean, I know everyone needs one, but more than that is a superfluity of sphincters.

I try to handle them with the beautifully balanced combination you manage above; equal parts amused brush off and brutal truths. But sometimes, in the bad times, that means that all the obsessive re-examination and pain stays with me far too long. Sometimes the path is long and fucking tough.

You're with me on mine. I'd like to join you on yours, please.

Haaaaa! If that was "relentless badgering," no wonder my children and husband hate me. ;p

Gwen's comment resonated the most with me, which I'm sure does not surprise you at all. Sad, sad, sad.

I love the growing email list. Like a field of red poppies.

xo

"Let's do some labs and find out." You're probably the smartest, coolest, internet person I've ever come across. Loved your tweet about making fun of the rapture people. I'd love to receive your daily updates.

Well, yes, I would absolutely love to receive a daily BHJ update. You are one of my favorite people, and I am pulling for you. <3

send me your daily affirmations. i would love it. sending you lots of good karma, positive energy, and all that. really. what you are doing is huge.