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    Run For Your Life, Black Hockey Jesus!
    « Neil | Main | Talking To Bikes »

    There's Nothing To Wait For

    For SC


    There will come a day, if you’re lucky, when all your greatest futures melt into puddles that you splash around in, fitfully, for awhile until they all dry up and you just stand there, looking dazed and feeling stupid. You’ll wonder how you ever believed in such a thing as the future, much less a beautiful one, and you’ll realize it’s because you’re a complete fucking idiot, just like everyone else, and you’ll almost be able to laugh at yourself, just like everyone else, but not quite yet.  

    First, you’ll wake up in the morning and weep. You’ll brush your teeth and weep. You’ll make breakfast, weep, eat, and weep. And you’ll continue to do these things, one by one, with a newly found presence of mind because, of course, your future melted. There is no tomorrow without a gun to your head so you stick to what’s happening. You take a shower, weep, lather, rinse, repeat.

    And this won’t be a religious awakening. You won’t feel insightful. You’ll keep returning to your breath, not because returning to your breath will help you make friends and money, but because your breath is the only thing you can bear to think about. It’s how you get by when there’s nothing left to wait for.

    But hopelessness engenders fearlessness and one morning you will boldly drink a glass of water without weeping. It will be the only glass of water ever in the world, the first and last, and you’ll know—gulp gulp gulp—what it tastes like to drink a refreshing glass of melted future. You might even smile again. Maybe you’ll smile again. You will probably smile again.

    Reader Comments (22)

    Wellll, motherfuck.
    There it all is, right there.

    I am all unbreakable grins right about now.

    April 3, 2011 at 1:35 PM | Unregistered CommenterJett

    I can't wait until I see that glass of water myself.

    April 3, 2011 at 1:54 PM | Unregistered CommenterTJ

    I'm raising my own glass to you --

    April 3, 2011 at 2:31 PM | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

    ...and then you'll do it all over again. but that's probably okay. the glass of melted future tastes oddly better every time, i think. after i've swallowed it i forget. almost.

    April 3, 2011 at 4:11 PM | Unregistered CommenterBon

    The dude abides.

    It's important to stay hydrated, you know. Good on you.

    April 3, 2011 at 7:09 PM | Unregistered Commenterwrh

    I find that glass of water to have a certain mineral tang to it...something like iron and salt.

    Which maybe isn't that far off from blood.

    April 3, 2011 at 7:16 PM | Unregistered CommenterIrish Gumbo


    April 3, 2011 at 7:26 PM | Unregistered Commenterlooking for that glass

    I thought for sure that this was for me and that the letters were wrong, but now I think it isn't. Clearly, it's for the putrid spiked head of Vincent.

    April 3, 2011 at 7:30 PM | Unregistered Commentermuskrat

    I love your writing, but I don't buy that glass of water you're selling. I believe in beautiful futures. I hope. And you can't change my mind even if your dedication coincidentally (and spookily) has my initials.

    April 3, 2011 at 9:57 PM | Unregistered Commenteranymommy


    April 4, 2011 at 5:02 AM | Unregistered CommenterLisa

    I love you for this.

    I hope I'll be ready to laugh at myself soon. Actually, I hope that for both of us. And I return to my breath, over and over again, because, unless my life melts by my own hand holding the match, it's the only thing on which I can rely.

    For now.

    April 4, 2011 at 5:56 AM | Unregistered CommenterSC

    Do they make Bottled Melted Future?

    April 4, 2011 at 8:08 AM | Unregistered CommenterWilliam

    Time will help to heal that sadness. Just focus on those kids and your futue will take care of itself. In your last posted picture of L.B. shes wasn't the only one smilling.Futures can be awesome!!!

    April 4, 2011 at 9:42 AM | Unregistered CommenterGrandpa

    Staying well-hydrated is excellent advice. Smiling here.

    April 4, 2011 at 6:11 PM | Unregistered CommenterErin

    while i get the need to abandon yourself to hopelessness...isn't that just a way to protect your soul? i get it...but for you...i hope for more.

    see....there are always things to hope for...even if they aren't sunrises, perfect report cards or long lives of hallmark bliss...sometimes hoping that your morning coffee is served at just the right temperature, at the local coffee shop, is the only risk that feels acceptable. so you do it...and one day...after burning the roof of your mouth 5 times... it is served just right. vindication. onto a bigger that might involve finding a rusty penny on the ground.

    i hope....that you take the risk to hope again sometime soon. i've always found that it makes even the bad days seem so much more tolerable in the long run.

    April 4, 2011 at 6:55 PM | Unregistered CommenterNatalie

    just so you know, i read it this morning. you are beautiful.

    April 5, 2011 at 6:45 AM | Unregistered Commentersarah


    April 5, 2011 at 7:33 AM | Unregistered CommenterSlow Panic

    Delurking to say: Beautiful. As always. Absolutely heart wrenchingly beautiful.

    April 5, 2011 at 9:40 AM | Unregistered CommenterKaitlyn

    The future I once imagined has been melted away so many times, it no longer exists. In its place I have a series of moments to remember. Every breath I take gets me closer to another moment to remember. Keep breathing.

    April 6, 2011 at 8:00 AM | Unregistered CommenterForgotten


    April 8, 2011 at 3:03 PM | Unregistered CommenterVernacular

    My sense of luck in life is based on low expectations.
    It worked out very well. I'm still surprised it all turned out so well.

    April 14, 2011 at 3:21 AM | Unregistered CommenterBert

    My sense of luck in life is based on low expectations.
    It worked out very well. I'm still surprised it all turned out so well.

    April 14, 2011 at 3:22 AM | Unregistered CommenterBert

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