In The Immortal Words Of Nickelback, "Never Again!"

I have never done a meme. I had to look it up. A meme is "a unit of cultural information that is passed from one person to another by non-genetic means (as by imitation); memes are the cultural counterpart of genes". So anyway, I've never done one. But then I was tagged for 2 of them in one day and it felt like I was being sought by the will of some great force with plans too intricate and complex for one brain to fathom. Like, I was part of some grand scheme or mission. It feels awesome to be a pawn of the Meme God. Who knows? Maybe my answers will save a life or inspire people to act for political change. Maybe someone will read my meme answers and fall in love or find a reason to live. You never know when you're submerged in a plan that's too intricate and complex for the human brain to fathom. But even though you don't know, you have to keep trying god damn it.

Here's Schmutzie's meme questions. Did you know the Schmut in her name rhymes with slut? Not smoot. I thought it was Schmootzie, but it's not. I met her. And she set me right.

WHAT ARE YOUR CURRENT OBSESSIONS?
I've been obsessed with The Mountain Goats for something like 7-8 months now. It's pretty bad. I've bought up everything I can find (26 albums and EPs) and I've requested to be John Darnielle's friend on Facebook 16 times. I just checked my iTunes. I've played Going To Georgia 146 fucking times.

I'm also obsessed with Blu-Ray technology, 5.1 DTS Surround, and my wife when she gets out of the shower and she's only wearing a towel and she's wet, which carries with it all kinds of sexual connotation. Also, running.

WHO GAVE YOU THE BEST ORAL SEX OF YOUR LIFE?
This stripper named Ivy. Or no wait. Jenna. I'd like to change my answer to definitely Jenna.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
We just had a late lunch of hummus and gyros, so I'm betting we skip dinner. Maybe microwave popcorn later on. I'm good.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR AT THE MOMENT?
My greatest fear is pretty much constant. I've always been afraid that I don't do my job well and that I have to create a facade of looking wellness that my employers are going to see through at any second. It doesn't matter that they tell me I'm doing great. I'm just always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In general. I always suspect that I'm going to walk into the house with all the furniture gone and a note from Jenna that says "Don't try to find us". I'm not very plugged into the needs of women and they always leave me when I think things are going great. But I just got done raving about what great head Jenna gives (see above) and I've read in the self-help books that women thrive on praise. So I should be good.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
I just made a playlist of my favorite 125 Mountain Goats songs and that's rotating constantly. Or literally? Someone's cutting the grass. The computer's fan is humming. There's a voice in my head telling me that the only way to get people to really listen is terrorism.

IF YOU WERE A GOD/GODDESS, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
I would be a naked blue God with a green knife who ran up and down the streets transmitting incomprehensible messages. The messages would resist rationality and lead the well suited listener to a place beyond duality - beyond good & evil, body & mind, and self & other. The villagers would satiate me with a steady supply of virgins and raw deer meat. There would be flute playing and orgies and lots of house fires. I would be accompanied by a mad cluster of flaming butterflies. I'd be a pretty awesome God.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY SPOTS?
Holiday spots? Holiday spots are for rich people.

WHAT ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW?
I've got nothing going right now. Things have been pretty writing intensive. I have a bunch of books about archetypal psychology on deck. Maybe this summer.

WHAT ARE FOUR WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOU?
Murky, Confused, Provisonal, Contradictory.

WHAT IS YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE?
I like watching all the new releases at the video store. The more copies the better. I use movies to decompress and unwind. I've never been engaged by film enough to call it "film". I like explosions and shit.

WHO OR WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Angry people. I can't get enough of angry people. Especially people who think they're going to save the world. I love fucking with their causes and watching them flip out. I suppose that makes me a terrible person. But it makes me laugh. Someone so up in their issues and mad that you're not. I'm laughing right now. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. When you're so right that you're pissed, you're also funny. Ha Ha.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPRING THING TO DO?
I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

WHERE ARE YOU PLANNING TO TRAVEL NEXT?
I'm going to Chicago in July. I'm taking Dooce to the prom.

WHAT IS THE BEST THING YOU ATE OR DRANK LATELY?
Caterpillar roll at the sushi place around the corner. I've been doing it once a week for months now. The sushi guys scream at me like I'm Norm walking into Cheers.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TIPSY?
07/31/2002. Good times.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE EVER [MOVIE]?
No movie has ever impacted me in a more potent way than discovering a copy of Beyond The Green Door when I was babysitting. It tore down and recreated all my concepts of what bodies are for. I suppose something so destructive and constitutive to my identity must be my favorite. I liked Star Wars too.

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST LIFE LESSON YOU'VE LEARNED FROM YOUR KIDS?
My kids have blurred my edges. They handed me the keys to the treasure house.

WHAT SONG CAN'T YOU GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD?
Right now my head is a constant spin of Minnesota by The Mountain Goats.

WHAT BOOK DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD READ BUT REFUSE TO?
There's a lot of Greek I should know but I drag my feet. There's also some major philosophical works that a well informed guy should have read but my life is far too short. Fuck Hegel.

WHAT IS YOUR PHYSICAL ABNORMALITY/ABNORMAL PHYSICAL ABILITY?
I can see what people think.

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE CALLED INTO THE REALM OF THE LIVING?
To fuck shit up.

OK. And then areason2write tagged me on a meme that wants to know the 5 things I love most about parenthood.

1). The kids bring all kinds of situations into my life that are beyond my will and disruptive to my plans and expectations. As much as this bothers the shit out of me, it's precisely via this factor that they are the most wondrous and fabulous and cool.

2). My kids both make me laugh. They're funny as hell.

3). I like who I am to them. It's tough to explain. But I like the role of who they think I am. The kids are able to spend their childhoods laughing and playing because of their unconscious trust that me & Jenna have it all under control. Of course we don't. There's the economy and swine flu and all manner of shit hurtling towards fans, but it's the situation the kids believe they're in. My kids feel safe. It's in their faces and the way they hold themselves. I like being the support for the way they hold themselves.

4). One of the best parts of parenthood is when the kids are gone. You might think that's an argument against parenthood but it's not. The kids bring so much clamor and chaos and that's exactly what sweetens the solitude in their absence. Am I right parents? When you're finally alone, it's a wondrous thing, no?

5). One of my most fundamental roles is that of being a teacher. I like teaching my kids. There's not as much conscious teaching as I imagined there would be. The kids don't want direct instruction. They resist it. But I know that they're constantly watching me for clues regarding what it means to be in a world. In that sense I try to be thoughtful and kind and funny and I insist on making all my dreams come true. Really, the only time they see me angry is when someone or something's fucking with my dreams.

*

For Christ sake, blog reader, that was long and tedious. I'm sorry. I'm never doing another meme again. Make a note of it. Never ask me to do another meme again.

*

Now, the rules and the tagging. The second one is easy. Five of the best things about parenthood. The first one is trickier. You have to answer all those questions. But you have to get rid of one and replace it. And then add another question too (I think). And then tag 8 people.

*

I'm sick of this, so I'm taking the easy way out by tagging all the Dads over at the most kick ass Dad site on the internet: DadCentric. You guys are double tagged for 2 memes and if you don't do them, unspeakable ills will befall you and your families for the next 7 generations. I'd do it.

*

Hope your weekend has been great. If you read all the way down to here, you're awesome. ~bhj

Comments

A blue god would be pretty awesome.

I didn't find it tedious. I actually like reading bloggers' answers to memes. But maybe that just proves how tedious I am, no? I liked the answer about angry people cracking you up. I can totally see how that would be funny, even though I am more the angry people type than the messing with people type. I need to loosen up. ()

I didn't find it tedious. I actually like reading bloggers' answers to memes. But maybe that just proves how tedious I am, no? I liked the answer about angry people cracking you up. I can totally see how that would be funny, even though I am more the angry people type than the messing with people type. I need to loosen up. ()

Memes suck ass.
But yours rocked.
And I totally read all the way down to here.

Yeah, I'm awesome. I went ALL THE WAY.
You're going to BlogHer? Dude!
Meeting you would be extremely trippy!

Nothing wrong with a meme now and then. Thanks for the Mountain Goats. Love them. 26 albums? Who knew?

Yes, I read all the way down to here...even your comments so far. I'm with you on the empty house thing -- when the kids are gone to school or sleeping I'm in awe of them.

I loved reading your memes!
In fact I had my best laughs of the day reading it.

You would have laughed at me today, because I got real angry with my 5 kids and defined ballistic.

It may have been tedious for you, but I really enjoyed reading your responses to 5 favorite things about parenthood.

I'm hideously envious that you are taking Dooce to the prom. I sincerely hope she doesn't turn out to be that one girl who always has a baby in the bathroom and then is all, "I didn't even know I was pregnant." We KNOW she's pregnant, so she is not getting away with that shit.

What is "alone." It sounds wondrous, but I don't know what word means.

Best meme ever. Your writing reminds me of Tom Robbins in a way. I look forward to that book like thingy you're writing.

I thought I was awesome because I remind daughter why she's strong and independent. Reading all the way to the end of your shit is a lot easier way to be awesome than all of that 'dad' crap I've been doing for the past, ahem, twenty-three years. It's also more immediately gratifying and entertaining. But then again, so's bubble gum.

Should I wink right here? Because I'm totally with you on all of this. Of course, you probably sorted that out if you believe I read all the way to the end of your post.

Thanks for sucking it up or taking one for the team or whatever you want to call it on the meme thing. I have put up a "Award Free Zone" button on my blog but it does not seem to stop the tagging. Well maybe a little. But once a year cant hurt anyone right?

You actually managed to make the meme entertaining and funny.

I love my kids too.

Explosions kick ass.

I knew it would be good - that's why I asked - thanks - and don't worry, I'll never ask again - I value my head too much - and I made it to the end.

Wow. Thanks for The Mountain Goats. That kicked ass.

Your blue god would be far more interesting than the media hype about swine flu.

As for the wondrousness of when children are grown? I dunno. I still love having my kids around. I will grow old quickly when they are out for good. It will be too quiet and there will be nothing to talk about. I will definitely have to get a dog.

I love the image of flaming butterflies--can I steal that idea for a painting?

And you're so right about the quiet when the kids aren't around--it's so much better than "regular" quiet.

Really, what the eff is a meme? What does it stand for? Who made that acronym or what 'evs up?
Ok, I am PMS'ing a bit. Sorry.

sweet- it feels good to be awesome- and i'm gonna *borrow* or qoute you on the "what makes you laugh" to a vegan friend (casey...)! that will make my day. hope it makes yours.

You make me laugh... after this past week, making me laugh could be added to your god powers. Thanks.

Your blue god sounds Celtic in his demands, or possibly like Hermes on acid, which is bitchin.

Does the sushi place make the caterpillar roll look like a caterpillar, with ikura eyes and an avocado wrap? 'Cause that's what we do where I work.

Jesus. Who wrote this meme? James Michener? It's very long.

Like, you know, a James Michener novel.

I can't read Charles Dickens. I just. Can't.

So I guess that means you're going to blogher, hmm? See you there!

And the answer is ALWAYS Jenna. That is if you ever want to see her step out of the shower naked again.

"The kids are able to spend their childhoods laughing and playing because of their unconscious trust that me & Jenna have it all under control."

This is the scary and awesome shit I love about being a parent. Seriously.

No one could be satiated by raw deer meat. Virgins, yes. Raw deer meat, ew.

I agree. It is a wonderous occasion when the kids are gone and it's quiet. I can actually hear myself think again. And finish a sentence.

My husband also prefers movies where things blow up. I've sat through Saving Private Ryan more times than I care to remember.

Holiday spots are for rich people? Hummus is for rich people.

I can't believe you did a meme...

love that shannon comment double post. The second time you read it is laugh out loud.

I somewhat suspected I was awesome; thank you for confirmation.

Also? Well Read Hostess deserves a kiss on the mouth for her comment.

Black Hockey Jesus, what a lovely post. I wish was going to BlogHer in Chicago this July. because I would totally love to meet you. Congratulations on being super-fucking-kick-ass. :)

Right on #4. Kids are like poison ivy that feels so good to scratch that it's worth all the fucking itching. I mean, they're great in other ways, of course, but they're also poison ivy.

I read. In a moment of quiet, when I should have been working. I live the flaming butterflies and the blue nudity. I bet you already do that, don't you?

Memes suck though, I ignore them. Because I think once you write a personal blog you've kinda said it already. I'm already recycling material at this stage, but I'm never sure what.

If you swear off memememememes (sorry, my narcissism made me misspell that -- but, wait, this was about me, right?) forever more, could you do one parting gift for us first? Would you write your list of "20 (or whatever number you feel like) You Must Read This Before You Are WormFood books"? I am utterly invested in knowing.

This one looks kinda fun. Okay, I'm in.

I don't really do much in the way of memes either. I always get bored halfway through, so kudos to you for finishing both!

Also, the word contradictory? I think I was born just so they'd have a photograph to put next to that word in the dictionary.

Best. meme. ever.

I'd like some clarification on these unspeakable ills, please.

I love it that you are so into the mountain goats. Either people hate them or slip into a wild obsession, which clearly happened to us both. I found them right after All Hail West Texas came out. Brilliant stuff. Best line from Minnesota: "we are not as far west as you suppose we are." Cheers.

"I'd be an awesome god." WTF?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

You ARE an awesome god!!

Ah, the Mountain Goats. I know them well. Seems like you have a full blown obsession on your hands!

I am from Tallahassee, a place, it seems, that JD is oddly focused on, naming an entire album after us, and a song, and a song about one of our roads. It's weird, and I have no idea why.

But, I do enjoy TMG (not to be confused with TMBG, whom I also have a great affections for). I've seen JD twice in concert

My fav mountain goats song: No Children. It's so sad I don't know what to do with myself when hear it, but I love it. It captures the feeling of a shitty relationship perfectly, no?

"And I hope you die,
I hope we both die."

I think that kind of says it all.

I will look up this BlogHer of which you all speak. I only know about the blogging world in my head. Will you be, like, performing something there? So that I can stalk you legitimately and from a folding chair?

I realize that this post is about two weeks old but since reading it I have become conscious of how much I listen to The Mountain Goats. I just want to climb inside his voice and scream and cry and fight for something new and different. Oh but I really didn't need to SEE him - just the voice, thank you very much. Also, this week my four year old begged for sushi for lunch, we drove an hour (way rural Mainers) and after an amazing caterpillar roll, she declared herself the "sushi monster of the world." I guess what I'm saying is that I've been living in my head, then your post got stuck in my head and it's shifted which crevices I'm living in. Which is a good thing.

I agree completely about the kids making one appreciate solitude. "Alone time" is like gold and it is always the best present to receive. :)

p.s. Not tedious AT ALL.