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    Run For Your Life, Black Hockey Jesus!
    « Camping | Main | Thank You »

    In The Immortal Words Of Nickelback, "Never Again!"

    I have never done a meme. I had to look it up. A meme is "a unit of cultural information that is passed from one person to another by non-genetic means (as by imitation); memes are the cultural counterpart of genes". So anyway, I've never done one. But then I was tagged for 2 of them in one day and it felt like I was being sought by the will of some great force with plans too intricate and complex for one brain to fathom. Like, I was part of some grand scheme or mission. It feels awesome to be a pawn of the Meme God. Who knows? Maybe my answers will save a life or inspire people to act for political change. Maybe someone will read my meme answers and fall in love or find a reason to live. You never know when you're submerged in a plan that's too intricate and complex for the human brain to fathom. But even though you don't know, you have to keep trying god damn it.

    Here's Schmutzie's meme questions. Did you know the Schmut in her name rhymes with slut? Not smoot. I thought it was Schmootzie, but it's not. I met her. And she set me right.

    I've been obsessed with The Mountain Goats for something like 7-8 months now. It's pretty bad. I've bought up everything I can find (26 albums and EPs) and I've requested to be John Darnielle's friend on Facebook 16 times. I just checked my iTunes. I've played Going To Georgia 146 fucking times.

    I'm also obsessed with Blu-Ray technology, 5.1 DTS Surround, and my wife when she gets out of the shower and she's only wearing a towel and she's wet, which carries with it all kinds of sexual connotation. Also, running.

    This stripper named Ivy. Or no wait. Jenna. I'd like to change my answer to definitely Jenna.

    We just had a late lunch of hummus and gyros, so I'm betting we skip dinner. Maybe microwave popcorn later on. I'm good.

    My greatest fear is pretty much constant. I've always been afraid that I don't do my job well and that I have to create a facade of looking wellness that my employers are going to see through at any second. It doesn't matter that they tell me I'm doing great. I'm just always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In general. I always suspect that I'm going to walk into the house with all the furniture gone and a note from Jenna that says "Don't try to find us". I'm not very plugged into the needs of women and they always leave me when I think things are going great. But I just got done raving about what great head Jenna gives (see above) and I've read in the self-help books that women thrive on praise. So I should be good.

    I just made a playlist of my favorite 125 Mountain Goats songs and that's rotating constantly. Or literally? Someone's cutting the grass. The computer's fan is humming. There's a voice in my head telling me that the only way to get people to really listen is terrorism.

    I would be a naked blue God with a green knife who ran up and down the streets transmitting incomprehensible messages. The messages would resist rationality and lead the well suited listener to a place beyond duality - beyond good & evil, body & mind, and self & other. The villagers would satiate me with a steady supply of virgins and raw deer meat. There would be flute playing and orgies and lots of house fires. I would be accompanied by a mad cluster of flaming butterflies. I'd be a pretty awesome God.

    Holiday spots? Holiday spots are for rich people.

    I've got nothing going right now. Things have been pretty writing intensive. I have a bunch of books about archetypal psychology on deck. Maybe this summer.

    Murky, Confused, Provisonal, Contradictory.

    I like watching all the new releases at the video store. The more copies the better. I use movies to decompress and unwind. I've never been engaged by film enough to call it "film". I like explosions and shit.

    Angry people. I can't get enough of angry people. Especially people who think they're going to save the world. I love fucking with their causes and watching them flip out. I suppose that makes me a terrible person. But it makes me laugh. Someone so up in their issues and mad that you're not. I'm laughing right now. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. When you're so right that you're pissed, you're also funny. Ha Ha.

    I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

    I'm going to Chicago in July. I'm taking Dooce to the prom.

    Caterpillar roll at the sushi place around the corner. I've been doing it once a week for months now. The sushi guys scream at me like I'm Norm walking into Cheers.

    07/31/2002. Good times.

    No movie has ever impacted me in a more potent way than discovering a copy of Beyond The Green Door when I was babysitting. It tore down and recreated all my concepts of what bodies are for. I suppose something so destructive and constitutive to my identity must be my favorite. I liked Star Wars too.

    My kids have blurred my edges. They handed me the keys to the treasure house.

    Right now my head is a constant spin of Minnesota by The Mountain Goats.

    There's a lot of Greek I should know but I drag my feet. There's also some major philosophical works that a well informed guy should have read but my life is far too short. Fuck Hegel.

    I can see what people think.

    To fuck shit up.

    OK. And then areason2write tagged me on a meme that wants to know the 5 things I love most about parenthood.

    1). The kids bring all kinds of situations into my life that are beyond my will and disruptive to my plans and expectations. As much as this bothers the shit out of me, it's precisely via this factor that they are the most wondrous and fabulous and cool.

    2). My kids both make me laugh. They're funny as hell.

    3). I like who I am to them. It's tough to explain. But I like the role of who they think I am. The kids are able to spend their childhoods laughing and playing because of their unconscious trust that me & Jenna have it all under control. Of course we don't. There's the economy and swine flu and all manner of shit hurtling towards fans, but it's the situation the kids believe they're in. My kids feel safe. It's in their faces and the way they hold themselves. I like being the support for the way they hold themselves.

    4). One of the best parts of parenthood is when the kids are gone. You might think that's an argument against parenthood but it's not. The kids bring so much clamor and chaos and that's exactly what sweetens the solitude in their absence. Am I right parents? When you're finally alone, it's a wondrous thing, no?

    5). One of my most fundamental roles is that of being a teacher. I like teaching my kids. There's not as much conscious teaching as I imagined there would be. The kids don't want direct instruction. They resist it. But I know that they're constantly watching me for clues regarding what it means to be in a world. In that sense I try to be thoughtful and kind and funny and I insist on making all my dreams come true. Really, the only time they see me angry is when someone or something's fucking with my dreams.


    For Christ sake, blog reader, that was long and tedious. I'm sorry. I'm never doing another meme again. Make a note of it. Never ask me to do another meme again.


    Now, the rules and the tagging. The second one is easy. Five of the best things about parenthood. The first one is trickier. You have to answer all those questions. But you have to get rid of one and replace it. And then add another question too (I think). And then tag 8 people.


    I'm sick of this, so I'm taking the easy way out by tagging all the Dads over at the most kick ass Dad site on the internet: DadCentric. You guys are double tagged for 2 memes and if you don't do them, unspeakable ills will befall you and your families for the next 7 generations. I'd do it.


    Hope your weekend has been great. If you read all the way down to here, you're awesome. ~bhj

    Reader Comments (44)

    A blue god would be pretty awesome.

    May 3, 2009 at 5:02 PM | Unregistered CommenterBeth

    I didn't find it tedious. I actually like reading bloggers' answers to memes. But maybe that just proves how tedious I am, no? I liked the answer about angry people cracking you up. I can totally see how that would be funny, even though I am more the angry people type than the messing with people type. I need to loosen up. ()

    May 3, 2009 at 5:13 PM | Unregistered CommenterShannon

    I didn't find it tedious. I actually like reading bloggers' answers to memes. But maybe that just proves how tedious I am, no? I liked the answer about angry people cracking you up. I can totally see how that would be funny, even though I am more the angry people type than the messing with people type. I need to loosen up. ()

    May 3, 2009 at 5:13 PM | Unregistered CommenterShannon

    Memes suck ass.
    But yours rocked.
    And I totally read all the way down to here.

    May 3, 2009 at 5:18 PM | Unregistered CommenterKristine

    Yeah, I'm awesome. I went ALL THE WAY.
    You're going to BlogHer? Dude!
    Meeting you would be extremely trippy!

    May 3, 2009 at 5:33 PM | Unregistered CommenterSprite's Keeper

    Nothing wrong with a meme now and then. Thanks for the Mountain Goats. Love them. 26 albums? Who knew?

    May 3, 2009 at 5:38 PM | Unregistered Commenteronly a movie

    Yes, I read all the way down to here...even your comments so far. I'm with you on the empty house thing -- when the kids are gone to school or sleeping I'm in awe of them.

    May 3, 2009 at 5:43 PM | Unregistered CommenterPink & Green Mama

    I loved reading your memes!
    In fact I had my best laughs of the day reading it.

    You would have laughed at me today, because I got real angry with my 5 kids and defined ballistic.

    May 3, 2009 at 5:54 PM | Unregistered CommenterBeautifulWreck

    It may have been tedious for you, but I really enjoyed reading your responses to 5 favorite things about parenthood.

    May 3, 2009 at 6:12 PM | Unregistered CommenterKit

    I'm hideously envious that you are taking Dooce to the prom. I sincerely hope she doesn't turn out to be that one girl who always has a baby in the bathroom and then is all, "I didn't even know I was pregnant." We KNOW she's pregnant, so she is not getting away with that shit.

    What is "alone." It sounds wondrous, but I don't know what word means.

    May 3, 2009 at 6:16 PM | Unregistered Commenterwell read hostess

    Best meme ever. Your writing reminds me of Tom Robbins in a way. I look forward to that book like thingy you're writing.

    May 3, 2009 at 6:23 PM | Unregistered CommenterLynn

    I thought I was awesome because I remind daughter why she's strong and independent. Reading all the way to the end of your shit is a lot easier way to be awesome than all of that 'dad' crap I've been doing for the past, ahem, twenty-three years. It's also more immediately gratifying and entertaining. But then again, so's bubble gum.

    Should I wink right here? Because I'm totally with you on all of this. Of course, you probably sorted that out if you believe I read all the way to the end of your post.

    May 3, 2009 at 8:01 PM | Unregistered CommenterGreg and Kris

    Thanks for sucking it up or taking one for the team or whatever you want to call it on the meme thing. I have put up a "Award Free Zone" button on my blog but it does not seem to stop the tagging. Well maybe a little. But once a year cant hurt anyone right?

    You actually managed to make the meme entertaining and funny.

    I love my kids too.

    May 3, 2009 at 8:59 PM | Unregistered CommenterJulia

    Explosions kick ass.

    May 3, 2009 at 9:47 PM | Unregistered CommenterDiesel

    I knew it would be good - that's why I asked - thanks - and don't worry, I'll never ask again - I value my head too much - and I made it to the end.

    May 3, 2009 at 11:21 PM | Unregistered Commenterareason2write

    Wow. Thanks for The Mountain Goats. That kicked ass.

    May 4, 2009 at 2:34 AM | Unregistered CommenterChristine Gram

    Your blue god would be far more interesting than the media hype about swine flu.

    As for the wondrousness of when children are grown? I dunno. I still love having my kids around. I will grow old quickly when they are out for good. It will be too quiet and there will be nothing to talk about. I will definitely have to get a dog.

    May 4, 2009 at 5:59 AM | Unregistered CommenterJeannie

    I love the image of flaming butterflies--can I steal that idea for a painting?

    And you're so right about the quiet when the kids aren't around--it's so much better than "regular" quiet.

    May 4, 2009 at 7:08 AM | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

    Really, what the eff is a meme? What does it stand for? Who made that acronym or what 'evs up?
    Ok, I am PMS'ing a bit. Sorry.

    May 4, 2009 at 8:22 AM | Unregistered CommenterScandalous Housewife

    sweet- it feels good to be awesome- and i'm gonna *borrow* or qoute you on the "what makes you laugh" to a vegan friend (casey...)! that will make my day. hope it makes yours.

    May 4, 2009 at 9:00 AM | Unregistered Commentergreezus chrust

    You make me laugh... after this past week, making me laugh could be added to your god powers. Thanks.

    May 4, 2009 at 10:51 AM | Unregistered CommenterTwo Cents

    Your blue god sounds Celtic in his demands, or possibly like Hermes on acid, which is bitchin.

    Does the sushi place make the caterpillar roll look like a caterpillar, with ikura eyes and an avocado wrap? 'Cause that's what we do where I work.

    May 4, 2009 at 12:54 PM | Unregistered Commentertehmanmeat

    Jesus. Who wrote this meme? James Michener? It's very long.

    Like, you know, a James Michener novel.

    May 4, 2009 at 1:50 PM | Unregistered CommenterJason

    I can't read Charles Dickens. I just. Can't.

    May 4, 2009 at 3:55 PM | Unregistered CommenterMiss Grace

    So I guess that means you're going to blogher, hmm? See you there!

    And the answer is ALWAYS Jenna. That is if you ever want to see her step out of the shower naked again.

    May 4, 2009 at 5:46 PM | Unregistered CommenterCaraBee

    "The kids are able to spend their childhoods laughing and playing because of their unconscious trust that me & Jenna have it all under control."

    This is the scary and awesome shit I love about being a parent. Seriously.

    May 4, 2009 at 6:12 PM | Unregistered CommenterStephanie Meade Gresham

    No one could be satiated by raw deer meat. Virgins, yes. Raw deer meat, ew.

    May 4, 2009 at 6:53 PM | Unregistered Commenterblissfully caffeinated

    I agree. It is a wonderous occasion when the kids are gone and it's quiet. I can actually hear myself think again. And finish a sentence.

    My husband also prefers movies where things blow up. I've sat through Saving Private Ryan more times than I care to remember.

    May 4, 2009 at 9:55 PM | Unregistered CommenterWhisperingWriter

    Holiday spots are for rich people? Hummus is for rich people.

    I can't believe you did a meme...

    love that shannon comment double post. The second time you read it is laugh out loud.

    May 5, 2009 at 4:16 AM | Unregistered CommenterThe Panic Room

    I somewhat suspected I was awesome; thank you for confirmation.

    Also? Well Read Hostess deserves a kiss on the mouth for her comment.

    May 5, 2009 at 8:11 AM | Unregistered CommenterJett

    Black Hockey Jesus, what a lovely post. I wish was going to BlogHer in Chicago this July. because I would totally love to meet you. Congratulations on being super-fucking-kick-ass. :)

    May 5, 2009 at 12:09 PM | Unregistered CommenterM. Butterfly

    Right on #4. Kids are like poison ivy that feels so good to scratch that it's worth all the fucking itching. I mean, they're great in other ways, of course, but they're also poison ivy.

    May 5, 2009 at 8:52 PM | Unregistered CommenterLos Francos

    I read. In a moment of quiet, when I should have been working. I live the flaming butterflies and the blue nudity. I bet you already do that, don't you?

    Memes suck though, I ignore them. Because I think once you write a personal blog you've kinda said it already. I'm already recycling material at this stage, but I'm never sure what.

    May 6, 2009 at 9:26 AM | Unregistered Commenterjothemama

    If you swear off memememememes (sorry, my narcissism made me misspell that -- but, wait, this was about me, right?) forever more, could you do one parting gift for us first? Would you write your list of "20 (or whatever number you feel like) You Must Read This Before You Are WormFood books"? I am utterly invested in knowing.

    May 6, 2009 at 5:11 PM | Unregistered CommenterVERNACULAR

    This one looks kinda fun. Okay, I'm in.

    May 6, 2009 at 8:29 PM | Unregistered CommenterThe Holmes

    I don't really do much in the way of memes either. I always get bored halfway through, so kudos to you for finishing both!

    Also, the word contradictory? I think I was born just so they'd have a photograph to put next to that word in the dictionary.

    May 7, 2009 at 8:47 AM | Unregistered CommenterSarah @

    Best. meme. ever.

    May 7, 2009 at 9:47 AM | Unregistered CommenterErika

    I'd like some clarification on these unspeakable ills, please.

    May 8, 2009 at 1:34 PM | Unregistered CommenterTwoBusy

    I love it that you are so into the mountain goats. Either people hate them or slip into a wild obsession, which clearly happened to us both. I found them right after All Hail West Texas came out. Brilliant stuff. Best line from Minnesota: "we are not as far west as you suppose we are." Cheers.

    May 8, 2009 at 5:30 PM | Unregistered CommenterRaging Dad

    "I'd be an awesome god." WTF?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

    You ARE an awesome god!!

    May 12, 2009 at 2:18 PM | Unregistered CommenterStu Pidasso

    Ah, the Mountain Goats. I know them well. Seems like you have a full blown obsession on your hands!

    I am from Tallahassee, a place, it seems, that JD is oddly focused on, naming an entire album after us, and a song, and a song about one of our roads. It's weird, and I have no idea why.

    But, I do enjoy TMG (not to be confused with TMBG, whom I also have a great affections for). I've seen JD twice in concert

    My fav mountain goats song: No Children. It's so sad I don't know what to do with myself when hear it, but I love it. It captures the feeling of a shitty relationship perfectly, no?

    "And I hope you die,
    I hope we both die."

    I think that kind of says it all.

    May 13, 2009 at 12:06 PM | Unregistered CommenterLady Lemon

    I will look up this BlogHer of which you all speak. I only know about the blogging world in my head. Will you be, like, performing something there? So that I can stalk you legitimately and from a folding chair?

    May 14, 2009 at 12:06 PM | Unregistered Commenteranonymom

    I realize that this post is about two weeks old but since reading it I have become conscious of how much I listen to The Mountain Goats. I just want to climb inside his voice and scream and cry and fight for something new and different. Oh but I really didn't need to SEE him - just the voice, thank you very much. Also, this week my four year old begged for sushi for lunch, we drove an hour (way rural Mainers) and after an amazing caterpillar roll, she declared herself the "sushi monster of the world." I guess what I'm saying is that I've been living in my head, then your post got stuck in my head and it's shifted which crevices I'm living in. Which is a good thing.

    May 19, 2009 at 9:55 AM | Unregistered Commentersherpamom

    I agree completely about the kids making one appreciate solitude. "Alone time" is like gold and it is always the best present to receive. :)

    p.s. Not tedious AT ALL.

    May 19, 2009 at 12:20 PM | Unregistered CommenterAmy@Bitchin'WivesClub

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