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    Run For Your Life, Black Hockey Jesus!
    « REWIND: X Man & Jackson Day | Main | Walls »

    REWIND: Fat Bald Retarded Kid

    So this was my 11th post. Thanks for indulging me with this. Some of these old posts are like old friends. It's a shame to leave them buried so deep in the archives.



    Today at the master planned community pool there was a fat bald retarded kid. All the master planned community parents were wondering "What's with the fat bald retarded kid?" Nothing overt, mind you. Just a community vibe, you know? All their crazy colored floaties & inner tubes and wild family adventures tended to discreetly drift away from the fat bald retarded kid. I am a magnet for this kind of thing. The fat bald retarded kid was all up in my face showing me some sweet karate kicks. His dad was hyper-conscious of the fact that I had not solicited this parade of karate. I waved him off. “He’s fine. Fine. No problem.” I said. In some inexplicable emergence of selflessness, I wanted to do something for the fat bald retarded kid’s dad. I don’t know what. Wash his car or make him an origami crane. Buy him a beer.

    Why don’t they sell beers at the master planned community pool? Who do I talk to about this?

    I said “What’s your name Bruce Lee?” and he gave me an emphatic “ZACK!” It could’ve been “Zach” but it was expressed with such urgency that I’m going with “ZACK!”. I said “Hello Zack. This is my son Jackson. He does not possess your skills in any of the Asian cultural combat systems, so please spare him the varied harms you might bring.” Zack squinted. Jackson looked at me like I was making him talk to a fat bald retarded kid. I interrupted their awkward silence by introducing Lucy. “He looks crazy!” Lucy chimed and I thought: this blog is writing itself.

    I don’t have any moral for this story. Just a revelation of a kind. Something like a discovery of a hitherto unknown facet of my inner geography. Remember all that pop psychology smack from the 80s about healing your Inner Child? No? Google your Inner Child (How could I NOT say it?). I don’t know about you but when I see John Bradshaw I want to punch him in the face.

    I think that perhaps I have an Inner Fat Bald Retarded Kid. I can’t say that he needs to be healed or relieved of his shame or made whole. If anything, he just wants someone to watch him do some sweet karate kicks, to be in some way part of the master plan.

    Reader Comments (23)

    I like the new look but how come Jenna's not in the drawing?

    I think we all have a fat, bald, retarded kid inside us. My fat one is started to show herself now though.

    May 22, 2009 at 4:30 AM | Unregistered CommenterJeannie

    Is it possible to become a fat bald retarded kid? I've got two of the three characteristics already.

    May 22, 2009 at 5:11 AM | Unregistered CommenterEd

    This is hands down the funniest thing I've ever read. Seriously. I remember when I found your blog last year and read this post I thought, did he really write this? Oh, man...he did. And it's brilliant.

    Happy Anniversary.

    May 22, 2009 at 5:21 AM | Unregistered CommenterChristy

    "he looks crazy!"

    i've yet to figure out a way to get my 4 y/olds to curb their enthusiasm for commentary when coming in contact with different people...

    May 22, 2009 at 5:39 AM | Unregistered Commentercharmedgirl

    I. Love. This.

    Coming from someone who attracts the special ones and loves it also.

    May 22, 2009 at 5:40 AM | Unregistered CommenterMary Freaking Poppins

    This is funny in a way that doesn't leave me feeling sick, that's gotta be a triumph!

    May 22, 2009 at 6:42 AM | Unregistered CommenterMona Lott

    That's beautiful, man...

    May 22, 2009 at 7:04 AM | Unregistered Commenternfmgirl

    A Master Planned Community Pool without beer?? doesn't sound so 'Master Planned' to me. ;)

    I totally have a fat bald retarded kid.. she wears fairy wings and an orange and pink striped shirt with white pants that she's always getting dirty. She likes hugs almost as much as kickboxing.

    May 22, 2009 at 7:10 AM | Unregistered CommenterChurchPunkMom

    Me too. I attract 'em, I humor them, I tolerate them, and everyone says "wha?" It didn't happen when I was in intense grieving, I had a gray cloud of preoccupation and fading doom; but now that I'm well, that magnet's turned right back on.

    You rule! Happy Blirthdogay.



    May 22, 2009 at 7:31 AM | Unregistered CommenterSupa Dupa Fresh

    This is William Faulkner...but not as tedious to read.

    My inner fat, bald, retarded kid wants to know if your inner fat, bald, retarded kid can come over and play.

    May 22, 2009 at 7:34 AM | Unregistered Commenterwell read hostess

    Brilliant. Just brilliant.

    May 22, 2009 at 8:30 AM | Unregistered Commenterme in the pink

    A classic!

    "He looks crazy"--I love it!

    May 22, 2009 at 8:42 AM | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

    like the new look, an oldie but goodie post

    May 22, 2009 at 10:09 AM | Unregistered CommenterBeautifulWreck

    "to be in some way part of the master plan."

    I didn't catch that the first time around :)

    May 22, 2009 at 10:12 AM | Unregistered CommenterSteph

    Like many others, this was the first post of yours I ever read -- where my love affair with this blog began. And it will always have a special place in my heart.

    But the posts where you wax on about the children or about your lucky wife (be sure to show her this) are my favorites. Such as:

    And, I gotta admit, watching video of that kid going crazy on the drums always makes me smile.

    Can't believe it's been a year. Thank you, and please keep on making me think, smile, and feel...



    May 22, 2009 at 10:24 AM | Unregistered CommenterJennwynn

    Thanks for replaying this. It's so very awesome.

    May 22, 2009 at 10:41 AM | Unregistered Commenterblissfully caffeinated

    Love this post. Love it. I think I heard it mentioned once in a song.

    And happy blogiversary, dude. I can't imagine my blogosphere...blogishpere?... without you.

    May 22, 2009 at 11:39 AM | Unregistered CommenterJozet at Halushki

    still loving this post!

    May 22, 2009 at 11:42 AM | Unregistered CommenterTuesday Girl

    I was slow getting here so this is my first time to read the post. Hilarious! I love it.

    May 22, 2009 at 12:49 PM | Unregistered CommenterOtter Thomas

    Hi BHJ. This is one of my all-time favourite blog posts (please excuse the Canadian spelling, I can't help it). I love how kids always manage to say what I'm thinking and I can pretend to be mortified.

    I love the new look, mainly because I'm getting old and my eyes can't deal with white type/dark background.

    Also, I LOVE that you love The Mountain Goats.

    May 22, 2009 at 2:20 PM | Unregistered Commenterterimo

    Thanks for bringing this back. Love the new layout. Happy anniversary again, BHJ.

    May 22, 2009 at 2:56 PM | Unregistered Commenteronly a movie

    I can see I am going to have to stop being lazy and read the archives :) Very good.

    May 22, 2009 at 4:00 PM | Unregistered CommenterSamantha

    I think posts like this one = your sweet karate kicks. Well done! Thanks for dusting it off and sharing again.

    May 22, 2009 at 4:48 PM | Unregistered CommenterSarah

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