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    Run For Your Life, Black Hockey Jesus!
    « Thank You | Main | Nothing »

    Mountain Girl Silver

    It was one of those evenings when all the planets lined up in perfect relation to the stars and the moon swam through my wife's hair and the same force that dictates the ocean's tides and keeps the sun held fast to its burning and perpetuates the beating hearts of all the wildest animals - that very same force coaxed my feelings out from their most secret chambers and compelled their expression. My feelings dripped from me like sweat from a very sweaty man. They must needs be spoken.

    BHJ: Jenna. What beauty is this? Is yours a face or is it but a dream reflected off the silver glass of a mountain lake? Your hair my dear is the yellowest hay, too fine and wonderful for the mouths of stupid horses. Neigh. It is a bird's nest of gold. But so fine and soft that one would never know it's actually precious metal. Rather, it feels like hair. Your hair is soft like hair. It's a golden tautology. Your lips are two spilled puddles of red wine that call for me to drink them, to lap them up with alcoholic enthusiasm. For some the essence of the mouth lies in its capacity for speaking or eating or breathing - but for you these are merely secondary, tertiary, and fourthiary. For your mouth, my Jenna, was made to kiss. (And to say dirty hot things but I guess that would be speaking.) It's primary function revolves around the business of making out. And good God your regal nose of Italian stock! Lodged (daintily) between the two deepest seas ever discovered upon the face of a woman. Who would dare try to speak with any substance about the mystery of your eyes? Here a moment clear blue. A murky grey the next. They shift like your mind, woman, when we're trying to find a place to eat. But to speak of your face in parts like an 8th grader dissecting a frog is a crime against the wholeness of your face. For it is only when your face is apprehended in its totality that a man swoons and gasps and wonders by what ghost he is haunted. Fireworks explode overhead. That little boy soprano choir sings. Angels smile and people do not bristle at the knock of strangers at the door. All for your face, Jenna. Your face restores my faith in the sacred power of prayer. And even moreso when your face sits upon your neck around which is wrapped a necklace from Mountain Girl Silver.

    JENNA: Aw dude is this a fucking commercial?


    JENNA: Answer me. Are you in the middle of a fucking commercial?

    BHJ: Yes?

    JENNA: So this necklace - this beautiful silver necklace which would be perfect for Mother's Day because of how each of your children's names are stamped on their own silver medallions - KNOCK IT OFF! Stop writing your pitch in my mouth, sell out.

    BHJ: Sorry. Go ahead.

    JENNA: So my birthday necklace was free? In exchange for a blog post?

    BHJ: No, not free. Complimentary. And I just offered to write a blog post because it was such a nice gesture. Jesus Jenna. Just because something's complimentary doesn't mean it's not high quality personalized silver jewelry made the Mountain Girl Silver way.

    JENNA: I know. You're right. You're always right, dear. And it's so obvious that you're writing my dialogue. I have never been right. You are always right. My necklace is simple, unique, and beautiful. I wear it everyday, along with the engraved silver bracelet that you actually used money to buy from Erika at Mountain Girl Silver.

    BHJ (grinning): Yes, you are right. I did purchase that bracelet. And I did so because of Erika's high quality, engraved silver product.

    JENNA: You are the greatest husband in the history of husbandry. I love my necklace and my bracelet from Mountain Girl Silver. And you. I love you the most. All I want to do is gaze at you and be guided by the North Star of your unfailing rightliness.

    BHJ: Thank you, Jenna. Thank you so much for saying all these things and allowing me to document them in their genuine entirety on my blog.

    JENNA: You're welcome, honey. We should make out. Just say the word when you want to have sex with me. Because you're the boss and I am merely an instrument of your whim.

    BHJ: What a great idea, Jenna. Let's have sex. Right after we click the link above and explore the many options for high quality engraved silver product from Mountain Girl Silver.

    Reader Comments (31)

    If I had a soul, I'd be moved to tears. I wish someone would speak so eloquently for me - even if it was a total sell-out commercial.

    April 26, 2009 at 3:46 PM | Unregistered Commentercap

    Wow, sounds like Jenna is one lucky lady. What with all your rightliness and such!

    Nice silver too!

    April 26, 2009 at 3:48 PM | Unregistered CommenterPeggy

    Holy Jeezus Christopher!!!!!!! speechless....

    April 26, 2009 at 3:50 PM | Unregistered CommenterErika

    This! This is why I don't get crap done. Not only did I have to stop and go look at Mountain Girl Silver, but then I had to print your post on the evil paper, run and show it to my wife. I tried to convince her that if your beautiful wife could be a pawn of your whim, mine should put ou... I mean, we should make love as well...

    April 26, 2009 at 3:52 PM | Unregistered CommenterJonathan

    Beautiful jewelry. I definitely followed the link and bookmarked it.

    April 26, 2009 at 4:19 PM | Unregistered CommenterBeautifulWreck

    I'd love to hear what Jenna really had to say...

    BTW, it's ok to sellout for beautiful jewelry. It it was for diapers or stationary, I'd be ticked.

    April 26, 2009 at 4:30 PM | Unregistered CommenterRhea

    I wish more blog advertising was like this.

    April 26, 2009 at 4:30 PM | Unregistered CommenterSnarky Amber

    It is totally cute stuff. Also, you're hilarious.

    April 26, 2009 at 5:38 PM | Unregistered CommenterMommy Melee

    This brought a tear to my eye. Or maybe that was from me poking myself in the eye with a q-tip. In any case, if I can just find a man who will compare my hair to yellowed hay (which might be tricky since I'm a brunette) my life will be complete.

    Stop raising the bar so high BHJ, you're ruining it for all the rest of the men in the world. ;)

    April 26, 2009 at 6:37 PM | Unregistered Commenterjess

    Well, they can never accuse you of integrity on this site, right?
    Nice sell out. It made me click.

    April 26, 2009 at 7:07 PM | Unregistered CommenterSprite's Keeper

    WOW. Good thing I clicked through from my reader. That way you won't get credit, you ho!!!!

    smiley face.


    April 26, 2009 at 7:16 PM | Unregistered CommenterSupa Dupa Fresh

    Okay - not only do I now feel the need to read your blog daily, but I have to purchase something from Mountain Girl (BTW, very cool stuff)

    April 26, 2009 at 8:50 PM | Unregistered CommenterJulie Watson Smith

    If only more bloggers reviewed like this!

    If I didn't know any better, I'd think that you were re-writing the Song of Soloman up there.

    Well, except God doesn't like the F-bomb. ;)

    April 27, 2009 at 12:34 AM | Unregistered CommenterDory

    The Husband told me today that he watched a show wherein the female who runs the show said that if men would just give women chocolate they would get b.j.'s. He asked me why this wasn't so in our relationship. I have now pointed him towards this post as evidence of why men don't get more b.j.'s.

    (I also pointed out that the show he was watching was Millionaire Matchmaker - I'm sure that cancels things out anyhow...)

    April 27, 2009 at 1:00 AM | Unregistered CommenterJess

    If mr. mustang ever gets wind of that chocolate/bj connection - he's gonna be soooooooo PISSED.

    April 27, 2009 at 6:36 AM | Unregistered Commenter'That Girl'

    I hope that Mountain Girl Silver will be satisfied by clickthroughs alone, because dude, I read free internet blog writing rather than buying actual books because I have no money.

    That said, I support you getting free shit, so I clicked through twice. I also squinted a lot at the site, because I was originally dead certain that one of the necklace tags in the "Mother's Day" square read "Balls".

    (Of course, I for one would not mind receiving a Mother's Day necklace that said "Balls" on it.)

    April 27, 2009 at 7:58 AM | Unregistered Commentermutter mutter

    What's wrong with the name balls?

    April 27, 2009 at 9:26 AM | Unregistered Commenter'That Girl'

    If you don't get some for this, I'll gather up all my philly bloggers and we'll come out there and show you a good time.

    And by good time we mean take your wife out for a lot of red wine and laughter and admire her necklace.

    You are fucking FUNNY.

    Move to Philadelphia. We have a lot of funny here, but there's always room for more.

    I swear to god I just typed "there is always room for ME" in that sentence. Bloggers are egomaniacs. Ever notice that? She asks the dude who just wrote a conversation with his wife himself.

    April 27, 2009 at 11:28 AM | Unregistered Commenterwell read hostess

    "too fine and wonderful for the mouths of stupid horses. Neigh."

    Anyone? Anyone?

    April 27, 2009 at 11:49 AM | Unregistered CommenterZ

    I have no problem with creative and entertaining advertising.

    Sadly I've just spent my year's internetjewellery quota and more on etsy, so I'm a reader only, not a buyer.

    April 27, 2009 at 2:57 PM | Unregistered Commenterjothemama

    That's funny, I have some sex toy company offering to pay me to "test" and review there products.

    April 27, 2009 at 4:36 PM | Unregistered CommenterScandalous Housewife

    Heh, heh. Did you say something about selling out? Hmpf. Well, I guess it's okay. I did too, but for some wanker sander for the hair on your legs. You definitely got the better deal.


    April 27, 2009 at 8:11 PM | Unregistered CommenterFragrant Liar

    I finally stopped over to visit, after seeing your blog title on Elizabeth's "a moon, worn as if it had been a shell" sidebar. Your blog's title makes me smile; thank you for putting it out really resonates with those of us who spend time in the great outdoors!

    April 28, 2009 at 7:46 AM | Unregistered Commenterkarengberger

    Gosh. What a high-quality marriage product you and your spousal unit appear to enjoy. You're so lucky and junk.

    April 28, 2009 at 8:30 AM | Unregistered CommenterYou can call me, 'Sir'


    I needed a great big, deep from the pit of the stomach or wherever laughs come from LAUGH.

    Always my go-to-guy when I'm moody.

    Thank you BHJ

    April 28, 2009 at 1:49 PM | Unregistered CommenterI am a Tornado ~ proven fact!

    Wow, you know about Mountain Girl Silver? Cool! I've had one of the necklaces for about 2 1/2 years now and I love it & still wear it all the time. I hope Mrs.BHJ loves hers, too. I have to go look at your profile again... are you from Oregon??

    April 28, 2009 at 11:01 PM | Unregistered CommenterPhotogMama

    i m using those lines ...
    i hope that can get me a girlfren.

    April 29, 2009 at 10:07 AM | Unregistered Commenterwhite crow

    Oh Jenna - I am so sorry!

    April 29, 2009 at 11:20 AM | Unregistered CommenterMerrily Down the Stream

    Do you get paid when people click onto that URL?


    April 29, 2009 at 9:34 PM | Unregistered CommenterLorna

    i know z, right!!! *neigh* ha hahahahahhahaahaaahaahahahaaaa!

    all just brilliant. fuckin' a.

    April 30, 2009 at 12:50 AM | Unregistered CommentercraftYARD posted this

    It is my foolish fault for reading this on my phone during a meeting and having to stifle my laughter. Now I'm leaving you a comment on the same phone in the same meeting.

    April 30, 2009 at 7:54 AM | Unregistered CommenterThe Holmes

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