I totally wanna marry 10 Word Tuesday over at i Am Bossy. Every Tuesday she gives a topic and you have to express yourself in 10 words. You should try it. It’s a blast. It made me wonder what kind of weekly fun blog thing I could do to rival the likes of Bossy and here’s what I came up with:
Charles (arles) Dickens (ickens) Friday (ay… ay… ay).
Every Friday (unless it turns out to be really stupid), I’ll share with you the best of something in my life and the worst of something in my life, you’ll do the same in my Comments, and together we’ll achieve psychic wholeness. For example, I might tell you about the best date I ever had in my life and the worst date I ever had in my life, you’ll tell me about yours, and together we’ll achieve psychic wholeness. I know I said it twice. That made it even wholer. OK. Inaugural Charles Dickens Friday is massive, because it’s your best & worst times… EVER.
In light of my post yesterday, let’s get my worst time out of the way first. Yeah, having divorced parents sucked. But let me give you a different perspective (let the Many-Headed Beast Of Perspective slay the Cyclops Of “Truth”) of how things went with my Dad, so you’ll stop being so mean to him.
BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: My blog’s not harming Jackson. You’re never proud of me. You’re jealous old man.
DAD: Well I think you’re going to destroy his psyche. You never listen to anyone. Do what you want. You always do whatever you want anyway.
BHJ: I will. Plus I’m going to dramatize this conversation in a post that makes you look like the biggest dick on the internet.
DAD: Let her rip.
BHJ: Give my love to Amy.
All of our parents are divorced, aren’t they? It’s nothing special. Plus you get all kinds of extra Christmas & Birthday presents and your parents compete for your affection. My Dad bought me a Sims Jeff Phillips the summer of 87. That deck was so rad. Did you know Jeff Phillips committed suicide?
And yeah I really was sexually abused by Randy Pope. But 1 in 4 of all of us are sexually abused. Not necessarily by Randy Pope. But now that I write a blog that gets some exposure, I’m pretty excited that I get to write Randy Pope over & over. I’ll also put “sex with kids” in this paragraph so if Randy Pope ever Googles “Randy Pope likes sex with kids”, my blog will pop right up. Hi Randy. I still weep immediately after I have an orgasm. Thanks for that.
Can Randy Pope sue me for this?
No, the actual worst time in my entire life was when my buddy Chris was killed by a car when we were 14. Straight up. That’s as bad as it’s ever been for me. My life was significantly altered by that event and I’ve never been the same. When I saw him in his casket, Axl Rose got up in my face and screamed: “You know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby…”. Another song intimately connected with that event is Ocean Size by Jane’s Addiction. You wanna give me a bad case of the shivers? Play “I was made with a heart of stone / To be broken with one hard blow”.
The best time of my entire life was seeing Lucy born. Lest my DAD, the self-proclaimed Guardian Of Jackson’s Fragile Psyche, object because I picked Lucy’s birth, let me remind you all that I wasn’t very committed to being Jackson’s Dad until he spoke me. Truth be told, when Jenna was giving birth to Jackson, I was at The Golden Harvest in Lansing, Michigan eating a Denver omelet. (The Cleaver’s are a dead myth—families are interesting.) Anyway, seeing Lucy born was mind-blowing. Who could ever explain? All I can say is that when the doctor yanked Lucy free and held her up, Jenna screamed “Lou-Seeeeeeeeee”, Lucy’s expression embodied the essence of “WTF?”, and I was killed & reborn again.
What was your Best Time Ever? What was your Worst Time Ever?
EDIT: Here’s how strange my life is; this was a total accident, but it’s a sign that I’m unconsciously whole and motivated by super trippy forces beyond my control. Notice that my Worst Time involved Chris (CHRIST) and my Best Time involved Lucy (LUCIFER). The way up is the way down. The Ghost Of Dead Skip slowly nods his wise dead head.
NO ONE PULLS YOU OUT FROM YOUR HOLE / LIKE A TOOTH ACHING A JAWBONE
Imagine my middle fingers.