The Newborn Identity's name is Mike. Shit. Was that a secret? Sorry Mike. Mike is one rad dude. In the morning, we wait for our wives to go to work. Then we kick email back & forth all day about how to convert Daddy Blogging into zillions of dollars. One of these days we're going to execute one of these ideas and you'll wish that you thought of it first. You'll wish that you were nicer to us. We'll be so powerful and our wives will just chill out and get their nails done. Me & Mike will laugh hearty laughs all the time and we'll take up cigar smoking. We'll buy stocks & shit too. Shut-up. You'll see.
Mike was kind enough to write me this post about getting molested in a bathroom. It is 33 kinds of kick ass. But don't stop here. Do me a favor. Get a box of Kleenex and start here. It's the first of 7 posts about the birth of his daughter, Maddie. Sound boring? Try me. Go read the first entry - it's like crack - and you'll see why the Spohrs are my heroes. Also, Mike's mom is a total loon. I couldn't find any context for that statement but it needed to be said. Thanks Mike!
Unfortunately, at least to my eyes, she doesn’t resemble me all that much. Don’t get me wrong, she looks more like me than the mail man, but sometimes I stare at her and wonder what exactly I passed on to her. Yesterday, however, something happened that finally hit it home to me that Maddie is indeed my daughter…an Asian went ape shit over her.
Let me explain.
My whole life I have literally been catnip to Asian people. For reals. Asians freakin’ love me. All I had to do as a kid was walk into the dry cleaners and the ladies in the back would sprint to the front to pinch my cheeks, give me candy, and tell my mother how handsome I was. It wasn’t just older Asian women either. In junior high there were four Asian girls in my class, and when I moved away each of them sent me a letter confessing their secret love for me. ALL FOUR OF THEM!!! And this was back when none of the other girls would so much as even look at me on account of the fact I was a bit hefty.
I wasn’t exactly this kid…
Now before you ask why Asians love me so much let me say up front that I have no idea. My sister used to say it was because my extra weight made me look like a little Buddha (thanks, sis…), but that can’t be it because even after I lost weight I still could cause a riot by strutting through Chinatown. Now, apparently, so can Maddie. This became clear at the market yesterday when this older Asian woman peered into Maddie’s stroller and practically started to speak in tongues upon seeing her. She was so excited she did a little jig right there in the cereal aisle.
Later I reflected on passing “the gift” on to Maddie, and it worried me a little. This is because, as Spiderman taught us, with great power comes great responsibility, and our gift to drive Asians wild can be a dangerous one. I certainly hope it doesn’t get Maddie into a situation like the one it got me into back in the fall of 1985 when I was a fat little ten-year-old and went to a Chinese restaurant with my family for dinner. Soon our waiter - a wiry Asian man with greasy hair and a sweating problem - appeared at our table. Upon setting eyes upon me he broke into a huge smile, but I was too busy scouring the menu for my beloved Moo Shoo Pork to notice.
After dinner was finished nature called, so, after finding the john in the back, I pushed through its door and strolled over to a urinal. As I undid my fly and began my stream I could hear the bathroom door swing open behind me, but I didn’t think anything of it until I suddenly felt two clammy hands sliding across my waist and onto my chubby root-beer belly. Startled, I whipped my head around and saw the waiter smiling at me with a lascivious twinkle in his eye. He then pressed his face against my cheek and cooed, “How you like the food, little boy?”
I cleared my throat, feeling very awkward.
“It’s uh…good.” And it was actually. I was pretty pleased with my dinner, in fact. I just wasn’t crazy about the creepy guy fondling me.
“That’s good,” the waiter said.
“Yeah,” I said quietly. A tense moment passed as the waiter kept his face pressed to mine and his hands on my stomach.
“Wow,” I thought. “This is really creepy. I can’t imagine this situation getting any weirder.”
“I noticed you ate all your Moo Shoo Pork, little boy,” The waiter said breathlessly. “You like Moo Shoo Pork, don’t you?” He then patted my stomach and chuckled.
“Well, I stand corrected,” I thought. “This definitely got weirder.”
After an interminably long moment the waiter finally slid his hands off my belly and stepped over to the next urinal. As his stream began I quickly zipped up and flushed, although to be honest there was little reason to as I had peed anywhere but in the urinal, you know, on account of being molested and all. I then hurried out without washing my hands.
I sat down next to my Mom and told her that we had to leave immediately.
“But we haven’t ordered dessert yet. Don’t you want to stay for dessert?”
Now a normal person would have said, “Hell, no. I just want to get the mothertrucker out of here!” I, however, was a fat kid, and a fat kid always wants dessert no matter the situation. I guarantee you a couple chubby kids went down with the Titanic because they were too busy polishing off that night’s dessert to get on a raft. Jack had Rose, fat kids had cake.
Anyway, the waiter soon brought out our dessert and set my bowl of ice cream in front of me with a big smile. I found this very creepy and felt very uneasy, but again, I was a fat kid, so I cleaned the bowl.
When we got home I told my mom what happened and she flipped out. She called the restaurant, screaming, then called the cops. I even had to get on the phone with an officer so and so and repeat the whole horrible story to him.
As you clearly can see, the “gift” that Maddie and I possess is strong, and I never want her to get into a situation like the one described above…or worse. As traumatizing as my experience with the waiter may have been, at least the weirdo never slid his hands South, if you know what I mean. Perhaps my belly was too big for him to reach the crown jewels. In any event, Maddie needs to be careful. Of course, on the bright side, she may be the Queen of Thailand one day. And if she is she has no one to thank but dear old Dad.