It's The First Day Of Summer Vacation And The Forecast Is Calling For 101 Degrees
“Daddy. Why you run all the time?”
“I don’t know, sweetie. Your Daddy’s on fire.”
“Fire? Ow. That must hurt.”
“Sometimes.”
*
I am a son of Heraclitus. I have always loved fire and my Mom always warned me not to play with it. When I was 4, I tripped and fell into a fire pit. I landed on both hands to protect my face—looked like I was doing a pushup. With all the weight on my hands in the fire and the panic, I couldn’t figure out what to do. So my hands—they just burned and burned and burned.
*
I am on my porch in Lansing, Michigan with a 40 ouncer of beer and a thick Georges Perec biography, ready to ride out 3 days of wanting crack cocaine every 6 seconds. You say your Mom ain’t home. It ain’t my concern. Just come play with me and you won’t get burned. Though unpleasant and, yeah, sometimes intimidating, I appreciate withdrawal as part of the deal. There’s a time to get high. A time to get clean. A time to run down the street, 101 degrees.
*
Fire is not a metaphor for passion or desire. Not for vitality or creativity or blind irrational consumption. Fire is just fire. It turns wood to ash. It’s a good teacher. You can learn a lot from fire by just letting it be what it is. It’s an injustice to the image of fire to dismiss it as a symbol for some abstraction. Abstractions are cool and detached. Fire is not.
*
I am intuitively drawn to religions and philosophies of the East because of the way they resist closure. Most of us are still recovering from the illness of needing to know what’s true and right with the hope of finally putting an end to the ambiguity of thought and wondering. Then what, I don’t know? Perhaps, when we know all the answers, we can get busy making money and exterminating all things false and wrong.
*
Not knowing is harder than knowing. It requires a unique tolerance for suffering, a vital joy that insists on embracing it all—even (especially!) the ugly, the bloody, and dark—and a love for fire and burning. To call a recognition of our epistemological limits “resignation” is to accuse me of losing a game that’s not even played anymore by serious thinkers. Truth? What could be less interesting than someone who knows the truth? It kills conversations, makes people yawn and look at their watches. It snuffs out the ability to say “Or…”
*
“Or” is the most magical of words. It keeps the fire burning.
*
If I were a Zen Master and a monk asked me about the Truth of the Way, I would punch him in the face and say “Blue stars constantly circling!” The monk would scream “My eye! I need ice!” but I would reply “It is not ice but fire that ignites the Self and turns it to ash—each moment—6 billion times a day. Do not put ice on your eye. Put your eyes on fire.” But I’m no Zen Master. I’m just a runner who’s lacing up his shoes. I have only one burning desire.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Reader Comments (15)
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/6/4/five-star-fridays-106th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-joan-di.html
Fiction is always more interesting. That's why reality tv is king.
You're too smart for that, BPD. You know that reality TV is a fictive "reality".
I'm a little surprised that 'Monk Puncher' is nowhere to be found in Urban Dictionary.
Yet.
Yes, I wasn't being inconsistent in my statements or trying to use reality tv to prove that fiction ISN'T more interesting. It was irony. Fiction IS more interesting: reality tv is a misnomer, since it's really fiction, and since fiction is more interesting reality tv is king.
Gotcha. Maybe.
I called it the 'good kind' of resignation on your last post because I'm reclaiming the word. Because it was applied to me in a negative way by someone else, about my writing. So... I didn't mean to slap that on you. I meant to make it into something else.
What could be less interesting than someone who knows the truth? Someone who can't tolerate anything other than 'positivity', the kind dished out by would-be life coaches with a dollop of pink cool-whip.
I like the bit about withdrawal being part of the deal; I was thinking this morning about something I am delaing with right now and how pain and heartbreak is, just as you put it, part of the deal, and for some reason that makes it so much more palatable to me. I read you all the time but rarely comment, that just struck me today.
Let me stand next to your fire.
'Truth? What could be less interesting than someone who knows the truth? It kills conversations, makes people yawn and look at their watches. It snuffs out the ability to say “Or" '
"Or” is the most magical of words. It keeps the fire burning.'
Holy Crap I love this.
Know what's awesome after a run? Boots & Kimo's macadamia nut pancakes (assuming you're on the right land mass).
Or, you're totally wrong, and knowing is way harder than not knowing. Knowing means you're exactly aware of the things required of you, or exactly aware that nothing is required of you at all. Not Knowing means you can make it up as you go along, and at least Think you're doing the best you can, and maybe even convince yourself you're here to do what you love.
Nope, I think Not Knowing is way, way easier. But the only way we'll know for sure is by Knowing, and I think you know my position on that.
This makes me think about all those people who were so angry with the final episode of LOST. They wanted ANSWERS and TRUTH and CONCRETE REALITY. But they missed the point entirely... what made LOST such a wonderful show was the discussions it provoked, discussions that never would have occurred if they'd simply given us the "truth".
I caught Heraclitus in college once. Stung like a motherfucker.
And for anyone else who is interested...
Epistemological: The study or a theory of the nature and grounds of knowledge especially with reference to its limits and validity.
I always feel stupid when I come here. Thank you for that. In the immortal word of Brian Johnson... FIRE!
I thought I was the only one that actually thought about this shit anymore. You put it down way more elequent than I could though.