Only Murder Better
I find myself wanting to write about the recent changes in my family’s diet. But when I start wondering how to begin, I’m compelled to punch myself in the face. Because it all sounds so repulsively good. It needs to be prefaced with what should be obvious by now. I am not a good man. I don’t think you should exercise and become a vegetarian. I just think you should change.
So if you’ve always done the right thing and you’ve never even finished a beer, I think you should turn shit up to 10 and go smoke some crack. Unless you have a heart condition. Then do something else. But that’s the key. Doing something else. If you’ve been a Christian since before you could talk, take next Sunday off and go suck Satan’s barbed cock. Seriously. It’s worth a try.
I’m essentially against positions, even my own. I play in the shadows of all affirmations. Keep moving. Don’t stop. Move along now.
So anyway, a lot of this stems back to 1996 when I learned too much about animal cruelty and mentioned to my girlfriend, Jill (bitch), that the next time we bought shampoo, I wanted to make sure it wasn’t tested on bunnies. “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA,” she said, “You eat hamburgers!” God, Jill was such a miserable merciless bitch. Just the memory of her squinty face makes me ill.
Jill stands for anyone who believes that the inability to achieve perfection is a reason for not beginning. It’s squinty faced laziness posing as criticism.
Life’s just a pimple on death’s huge ass. Wait. That’s a bad metaphor. I’m looking for more of a dependent relationship. Life is just a flea on death’s pet dog. Or whatever. What I’m trying to say is that life requires death in order to live. Life is made of death. The mere fact of being alive implicates you in a tangled web of murderous causation. Every unnecessary dollar we spend on ourselves today is a dollar we won’t spend on food for the 1000s of children who will starve to death today. That’s the situation we’re in. Sure, you can think up a wordy defense to wash the blood off your hands, but you’re washing your hands with blood, which is awfully messy and bloody.
The only way to stop causing harm is to die. And even then, a bunch of people will gather round your dead body and cry. But not too many. It’s not like you’re Michael Jackson or some shit.
What I’m trying to say, JILL, is that there’s no such thing as perfection. We can either remain in denial about the harm we cause, not give a fuck about the harm we cause, or just take a few steps toward causing A LITTLE LESS harm.
So that’s a little background to provide a little context for my decision to stop eating meat. Just to cause a little less harm. To remove myself as someone for whom the meat industry continues to dole out needless suffering, generating bad karma for us all. I still eat eggs. I still eat dairy. I still eat eels. And I still buy needless trinkets while children starve to death. I think all these things are wrong. Do you do anything wrong?
We decided to let the kids make their own choice. Jackson quit eating meat right along with us while Lucy stands alone with her chicken nuggets and hot dogs. She’s such a cutie. She’s got her Daddy’s middle fingers. But forcing my daughter to quit eating meat didn’t feel like the way to go. I really don’t know what’s best for others. Not even my own kids. All I can ask is that they learn how to murder in their own special way, like only they can.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Reader Comments (28)
This entry is just fan-fucking-tastic. Really what I needed today. We all could stand to take this kind of stand.
Thanks.
This post reeks of awesome in all the best ways.
If I have never killed someone, should I run out and do it? Or just kill myself? I think I should read this again.
Love love love this: "Jill stands for anyone who believes that the inability to achieve perfection is a reason for not beginning. It’s squinty faced laziness posing as criticism."
in contrast to my smarmy blathering in comments to the last post, here's something short I wrote a few years ago that I think actually relates to some of what you say here. These few paragraphs you gave us today do say quite a lot, it's cruelty-free food for thought. But as for eels, please see: http://www.chucklehut.org/index.php/site/ind/childs_play/. Or don't. I guess it could go either way. As do so many things in life.
It's a zero-sum game. Great post, as always.
But what about sushi love? I guess it's included with the eels.
You know who was murdered in a special way, don't you? Of course you do.
Did Jill grow up and birth a little inconsiderate boy named Vincent?
I tried being a vegetarian twice. Once I lasted 6 months. The most recent time was for two months. I can't think of an 8 month period that I was more miserable sack of shit. Not eating meat sucks. The thought of soy and tofu make me want to rip my fucking face off. And watch out for that tofu shit. It's filled with estrogen. You're gonna turn into a nutless fairy. Your god damn beard is gonna fall off. Good luck though... I'm rooting for your skinny, little, girly ass. YAY veggies!
I eat meat.
But (ha!) I don't buy Nestle... except sometimes Quality Street at christmas.
Definitely don't drink alchohol though. Not today anyway.
You are so motherfucking crazy.
Life is a stray crusty pube glistening near the barbed head of satans cock.
I always wanted to be a vegetarian when I was a kid, but wasn't allowed. Maybe it's not too late to start. But then, bacon.
Always bacon.
I'm trying to shake the mental image of Satan's barbed cock from my mind. Which is only making me think about it more. So it's hard to make sense at the moment.
At the very least, I think I'm in a place now where I can own when I'm choosing not to give a shit about the starving masses, or the animals, or what-have-you. But I make myself own it. No squinty laziness and criticism allowed.
And when I make a change? I remind myself that it's not because my shit doesn't stink. It's because I want to, pure and simple.
We're all selfish bastards at our core, even when we're doing a little bit of good. But at least we're using our powers for a little bit of good rather than a little bit of evil -- that's where I come out on all this.
this is so well said, as i'm sure you are aware. people are so bloody insecure and mentioning that you've stopped anything feels like such an indictment to most that its hardly worth mentioning. I just blogged about my family's dietary changes this week. It's months after the fact but I didn't even want to mention it. I don't want to defend our choice to the Jills in my life. Yes we've stopped eating all kinds of stuff and Yes I still intend to roll in buttery lobster at the beach this summer! IS THAT OKAY???? I've done worse, you know.
@edenland - Word. Bacon.
I always enjoy your special take on the Dharma...
will you be my older brother please? cause fuck, you inspire me.
awesome as always.
I don't EVER want to suck on a barbed cock. Even Satan's.
i was a vegetarian from the time i was 10-16. it got to the point where i felt like there was no need to deprive myself of meat consumption if i wanted to eat it. i guess my rationale was always "just because I'M not a meat-eater doesn't mean people are going to stop slaughtering animals, so what's the point?"
i don't eat meat very much now but i have been known to succumb to the evil lure of a cheeseburger when it looks me in the eyes. i'd rather know the packaged chicken in the supermarket is going to be eaten since the animal is already dead rather than to think its death was in vain.
maybe that's a bit ridiculous/sappy but i just think it's logical.
i think your approach is a good one and possibly the ONLY one to take. we can't hate others for eating meat or force them to become vegetarian. there is a life cycle, things must die, it's just the way of the world. even if a large portion of the population decided to follow suit, that doesn't mean all the cows and chickens in the world will eventually be spared. it's never gonna happen. the real issue is the continued lack of humanity still employed in the act of the kill in many slaughterhouses. that's really the only means of reform we can lobby for.
you are taking a stand for yourself. that's really all you can do. just the act of your being more "responsible" will likely influence those around you.
i'm not sure i made any sense with this comment. i've been rambling all over the internet today. i tried to make a point but you really said it best: "We can either remain in denial about the harm we cause, not give a fuck about the harm we cause, or just take a few steps toward causing A LITTLE LESS harm." <------ exactly
I like to force my kids to do things cos that's how I roll. Ahhh, want milk? Too freaking bad. I don't want you to pop boobs at five. Sorry sucks to be you.
Vegetarian thing- yeah I like meat (ba-dum)
Sorry had to be said.
Best "I'm a vegetarian because..." post yet. Bravo!
I've raised, slaughtered, and butchered my own. I will again if needs must. I like meat...was never sicker or more miserable than when I tried givng it up. I eat less of it than I used to, and I am always aware that it was a living being before it was my supper. Still. I eat it, enjoy it, and get on with life.
It's an illusion, but it soothes my conscience - I buy as much as I can from local farmers and organizations that raise as humanely as possible with as little negative impact on the environment as possible...except for the killing part, which is a pretty huge freakin' impact. I am working toward being self-sufficient, or at least less dependent upon the questionable market/economy.
When you raise chickens, they're easier to eat. I'm just sayin'.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who is suffering from some wicked allergies, no doubt meat induced, and can't breath, see, or think worth a lick)
"I’m essentially against positions, even my own." Interesting. Is that possible? Even the decision to write this word, not that one, dogma-free though the words may mean to be, implies some kind of position, however brief.
And contrary to popular belief, Satan's cock isn't barbed. That's his tail, which no one should ever suck.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Really. I don't have the brain power. I'll just forward people to here to read my thoughts.
We've talked about silence. I want to say silence. What do I care for what's possible?
You still eat eels??
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Vegetarianism - OK. I get it. Vegan - seems like an absurd amount of work, but OK. those people who only eat plant life that has naturally fallen from the plant - they should be killed after being force fed goose liver pate, but whatever.
Eels? Jesus Christ, BHJ. There's a whole world out of there of things to eat that are not slimy and fucking prehistoric and gross as shit.
I'm making you brownies.
Relax.
Not those kind.
I
I shouldn't say this is the best thing I've ever read but I feel like saying it. So I will. Ha.
Badass. The best line: "She’s such a cutie. She’s got her Daddy’s middle fingers."
Love it.
BHJ has a small cock and reeks of failure.
Anonymous cruelty on a stranger's blog? You reek of success.
Reflections on Jill made me think of going out with my husband who orders lamb chops and while he eats he starts rattling junk at me like, "Plants are alive! What about rocks! You eat shrimp! Shrimp killer! Vegetable killer!" and I finally remind him I haven't said shit to him about eating lambs and I never pretended to be vegan so shut up with your guilt and finish your lamb.
Pick up one piece of litter when you go out. Buy one container of stuff not tested on animals. Recycle one thing. Whatever floats your boat or supports your belief for making it a little bit better for fellow living things. Every little bit helps. Every little thing counts to somebody somewhere.