The Education Of Cats
There’s this old, seemingly contradictory, wisdom that claims the best way to learn something is to teach it. I doubt my daughter is consciously tapped into this wisdom, but apparently she has intuitive access to it. You see. My daughter’s not the greatest reader. But she’s tenaciously involved in the self-appointed project of teaching our cat, Pan, how to read. And as she attempts to solve the problem of how to teach Pan to read, she’s more deeply engaging herself in the fundamentals of the reading process.
“Seeee… Cuh- Cuh- Cuh- … Ay… Ayh- Ayh- Ayh-… Tee... Ta- Ta- Ta-. Cuh Ayh Ta. CAT! Now your turn. PAN! Are you even listening to me?!? Get back here! Bad cat! You’re a bad cat!”
Pan generally hates mankind.
He runs to me looking perturbed, paws upturned. “Fucking See Ay Tee. Dude. How many times do I have to fucking spell this shit? See Ay Tee! See Ay Tee already! Fuck! Fuck fuck fuckity fuck!”
“She can’t hear you.” I tell him.
“What do you mean she can’t fucking hear me? We used to talk all the time. Remember? The tea parties. She made me wear those gay dresses. We chatted away entire afternoons. Now I’m spelling my ass off and you’re telling me she can’t hear shit? So what? I need to learn fucking sign language?”
“She’s not deaf, Pan. She’s just beginning to inhabit a more constrained world of language made of words spelled out with letters. It’s grammatical structure is crystallizing a world with many more limits than the world where she has tea parties with cats.”
“The fuck are you talking about?!?”
“Lucy’s being acculturated into a world in which reality is made only of nouns that verb and these only in ways that are measurable by science.”
“The fuck are you talking about?!?”
“Cats can’t talk. That’s what I’m talking about. In this new, more constrained, world, the only noises you make are these stupid little ‘meeeeowwws’. You sound totally stupid.”
“Me-what? I can’t believe this shit. I mean. If she can’t hear me, why is she still talking to me?”
“Because right now she’s straddling these worlds. Caught between them. Fantasy is being slowly carved away from the bones of the real. It’s tragic.”
“It’s totally fucking tragic. Aw man. I’m going to miss the shit out of those tea parties. I mean. I guess – in a way – I liked wearing those dresses. They made me feel – you know? - sexy.”
“Pan. It sounds like you might be confused about your sexuality. But I want to assure you that we all accept you, no matter who you are.”
“Fuck you, man. We better change the subject before you catch some claw across your slanderous face. HEY! Caught you, bitch. If cats can’t talk in this goofy grammatical science world, how come YOU can hear me?”
“Because, Pan, reality is just a fantasy that takes itself too seriously.”
“THERE YOU ARE, BAD CAT!” It was Lucy. “GET OVER HERE NOW AND SPELL!” She chased him into the closet, followed him in, and closed the door. I stood outside, listening to her frustrated spelling instructions and the poor degraded cat’s desperate meows.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Reader Comments (19)
: ) that made me smile. And also, oddly, reminded me of that 1999 movie called 'Baby Geniuses'... same ideas!.. ish. -Angela
I love it. I feel like I should be smoking something, but I love it.
"the only noises you make are these stupid little ‘meeeeowwws’. You sound totally stupid.” God I loved this!
This is awesome. And, more importantly, this motivates me to train the dog how to give better head.
This has got to be the most hilarious thing I have read. It so captures both 6 year old girls and cats, particularly my cat who couldn't care less about anything but his quarter cup of food twice a day.
Thanks, man.
Isn't it nice when you come full circle and can start talking to cats again?
Quarter cup of food twice a day? Fuck. My cats lied to me. They told me that it was a CUP twice a day. Fuckers.
Finally, someone who can explain "growing up", which is actually "contracting in". I love that your daughter is trying to teach the cat to spell, and that the cat just wants to be heard. Poor cat. You might want to start stockpiling little dresses, because soon enough your daughter won't have any dolls around and the cat's only going to get more pissy because of not being able to feel sexy.
Awesome read, son!
My son couldn't read til he was 9, but he sure as hell saw the arrow on the Fed Ex truck. I let him have that world- and believe he's better for it.
Still love your dang blog.
Reality is just a fantasy that takes itself too seriously...
I'm embroidering that on my straightjacket as we speak
yes... I said as we speak
Sounds like a day in the life with our cat and 5 year old! Isn't life grand!?
Good thing she wasn't trying to teach him to spell Pee You Ess Ess Why. I think.
Well, you're bang on here.
Except cats only meow at people, not other cats. Meeow is human speak for cats, if you will. They're talking slowly, like as if you're a stupid foreigner who doesn't seem to understand them.
"Reality is just a fantasy that takes itself too seriously" - I have like ten people that I must tell that to immediately. There are a lot of cats like Pan running around.
FUCK you are amazing
Little Lamb, who made thee? Dost thou know who made thee?
I think you should write childrens books. And I think someone should take muskrats dog away from him.
I agree the world would be a better place if you wrote children's books. Even more interesting than Ionesco's attempts, they'd be.
And by the way, this is another one of those posts whose magic would be extinguished by summary. You create something out of nothing, and that is why you are an artist.