Fuck You I Won't Do What You Tell Me
When Killing In The Name came on, me & Jack were just kicking back in the Saturn Vue (a collector’s item), waiting for Lucy to get out of kindergarten. Waiting in the car with Jack always makes for the weird silence. You know? The weird silence. I mean. At home, we can at least look busy while we ignore each other. But waiting in the car, when the only thing to do is talk, the silence is something of which we’re both acutely aware. We hover around speech like birds of prey.
Jackson is a vibrating knot of shit constantly going on but none of it makes it to the surface of language. You can actually hear the gears ticking and his wheels are all grinding and his brain is this boiling stew of bubbling insecurity. And, if you can believe it, that’s the quiet part. The loudest part of my silent son is the fight to the death between innocence and sex. There’s blood in his face. The kid is always blushing.
But if you ask him how he is, he’ll tell you just fine. All his doors are locked. I was a boy once. Now I’m a man. But I lost my keys to the in-between. He can’t even hear my knocks.
So, like I was saying, Killing In The Name came on and, for whatever reason, I hesitated and didn’t advance right through it. As it played, I wondered about the spastic ending and 11-year-old boys and whether or not I should jump to the next song in the shuffle. I also couldn’t believe the song was 18-years-old. 18. Jack would be 18 in seven years. How could I possibly unleash a kid on the path to adulthood without letting him hear Killing In The Name?
I spied on him, in the rearview, when Zack de la Rocha began to mumble repetitively near the end of the song. His eyes squinted into slits to hone in on what he was hearing. Did he just say…? Yes. I think he just said… And by the time de la Rocha escalated his mantra to a full on wail, my son was mesmerized. I love him so much.
This is the way childhood ends. Not with a whimper but rage.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Reader Comments (36)
I remember those couple of years...where confusion and angst was percolating....just shy of giving way to rage, I didn't know where it was heading, I just knew I was changing and that it kept getting harder...
Christ I sometimes forget how hard it was to be that age...Double Christ, I have a son who will one day head there myself...
Like a moth to flame, my 10 year old son materialized at my side 10 seconds after hitting play on that video.... "What's this?" "What's the band?"
Maybe burning a few albums in this vein will help him keep his ever-rising rage channeled into music instead of beating on his little brothers. Any suggestions for him? I was a Sinead O'Connor, The Cure and Smiths kind of teen so this music is like nails on the brain for me.
My 12-year-old son first knew of this song via the vanilla version on Guitar Hero 2. I made a playlist for the car that included the REAL versions of most of the GH songs and when this one plays, he always skips out when the raging ending begins. I'm sure it has something to do with not wanting to see his mom banging her head while screaming along, but I could be wrong. For this mom, raising a teenage son, I really can't relate to all that angst and shit. That was never really me. Maybe if I keep reading this blog I can relate to him by watching you relate to Jack. Just maybe. Sometimes it seems like a wall is slowly rising between us, weekly, daily, and I guess I am losing my chubby cheeked baby boy forever. Scares me to death.
at 18 i felt i was getting wiser...now at 19 i feel i m still the same confused dumb being.
I sit while my kid eats breakfast, and we say not one word to each other. I've learned. If I try to talk, he gets pissed off. Actually, I should say that he gets MORE pissed off.
And this? But if you ask him how he is, he’ll tell you just fine. All his doors are locked. I was a boy once. Now I’m a man. But I lost my keys to the in-between. He can’t even hear my knocks.
Yeah. My kid, too. I'm learning to live with it. It's hard for me.
where attitude and adjustment meet adorable...
18 years!? I was just a new recruit in the Army when this song came out. I remember "accidently" playing it during room inspections and the clarity the whole album had. I also knew the life of GI was not for me, this song was my mantra.
Beautiful. Heart breaking.
Thank God I don't have children, I'd be broken in half by now.
You might already know this, but that song was #1 on the UK charts this past Christmas. It was a grassroots effort to keep the latest X Factor (British version of American Idol) winner from having the #1 single. We happened to be there over Christmas, visiting my husband's family, and heard Killing In The Name several times on the pop radio stations in my mother-in-law's car, which was very cool & bizarre at the same time. I honestly don't know how many people thought it was just an effort to have a rock song at #1 instead of a pop song, and how many people actually listened to it and understand that, "fuck you I won't do what you tell me" was (in this case) directed at the people who make and market that particular flavor of generic pop music. Either way, it was pretty damn cool.
I'm 30 and still have the same uncomfortable silence when left alone with my father. At least if he played me the Killing In The Name I would have better stories for my therapist.
Fuck yeah \m/
CindyW - I heard about that, too. Very cool.
I made 5 CDs for an 8-hour roadtrip last summer and the girls fell in love with all the music... Ozzy, DMB, Filter... and yes, Rage Against the Machine. Unfortunately, they're only FIVE, so when we listen to the song, I have to blip over the repetitive swearing or they'll likely echo it in their classroom.
That on top of my smallest constantly talking about what parts of my body I have "jewelry" in... yikes. I can see a PTC coming soon.
That comment up there from Cindy W makes me happy. I love that it happened, and that it succeeded.
The summer after my sophomore year of college I piled my two brothers and a bunch of their friends into a station wagon and we drove to Ohio for Lollapalooza 1993 to see Primus, Alice in Chains, Dinosaur Jr., Front 242, etc., and who showed up with a debut album but Rage Against the Machine. Most of us had never heard of them but they were ELECTRIC. When "Killing in the Name" came on the crowd tore the place apart. I was 20 and my brothers were 18 and 16.
The youngest is now just 35 and just sober, just pulling his life together. We three are all just healing our relationships with each other. Maybe we need to get in a car and Rage.
That band was my goddamn everything in high school and on through college. They meant the world to me. I saw them three times and was down in the pit the whole night. I spent hours playing my guitar along with their tracks. I don't listen to them as much anymore, but my god, to be a kid again and to hear it all again for the first time. Unreal.
I'm old and admit to not understanding many words of the song (what'd he say? what'd he say?) but I'll take you at your beautiful word. I, too, have an eleven year old son and while he's not entirely silent, yet, I see it coming...
Just got through discussing Bongwater's "Power of Pussy." With my 13-year-old daughter. Sigh. At least we're talking about it, right?
My sons are 12 and 16. Both smart and well behaved. Orchastra nerds. Model students. We jam to that song as if it's the last song we'll ever hear. Every time. Wherever we are at and regardless of who may be watching. We don't get to chase down and stab wild game, bathing in hot blood. The only blood a man tastes today is that from his own tongue from biting down so hard when all he wants is to do is rage. Good for you and your son.
My sons are 12 and 16. Both smart and well behaved. Orchastra nerds. Model students. We jam to that song as if it's the last song we'll ever hear. Every time. Wherever we are at and regardless of who may be watching. We don't get to chase down and stab wild game, bathing in hot blood. The only blood a man tastes today is that from his own tongue from biting down so hard when all he wants is to do is rage. Good for you and your son.
My sons are 12 and 16. Both smart and well behaved. Orchastra nerds. Model students. We jam to that song as if it's the last song we'll ever hear. Every time. Wherever we are at and regardless of who may be watching. We don't get to chase down and stab wild game, bathing in hot blood. The only blood a man tastes today is that from his own tongue from biting down so hard when all he wants is to do is rage. Good for you and your son.
The difference between Rage and Audioslave is like the difference between adolescence and (what I presume) the latter 30s are like - one's all angst and twisty, the other smooth sailing with a beautiful sunset. I don't know that I'll ever move on from Wake Up or Killing in the Name, and I love that my daughter's obsessed with Bulls on Parade because it seems like something that might bond us, even when we get to the silence point in her life.
As that song may have put one more nail in the coffin of Jack's childhood, it ripped open my casket with it's bare hands and shook my rotting old carcass till my head fell off. Damn, it's been forever ago since I've heard that song. Makes me wanna raid my daughters closet for her skinny jeans, and hi-tops. Bounce around bumping into shit while breaking all the glass shit in my house.
Thanks for taking me back and reminding me I used to think I was cool...
Good luck with Jack, you are going to need it.
wait, HOW fucking old am i????
Oh, I teared up to think about my 3-year-old screaming along to this someday. Not that 3 year olds aren't basically a cheerful version of this anyway. You know, a shrieking Fury of destruction, but with a smile.
Dude, the karma is breathing steamy sex in my ear right now. This morning as I was drinking my coffee I was watching "The Trial of Ted Haggard" on HBO. As I sat and watched this poor jack-off's life fall apart, all I could think was that if he'd only listened to RATM when he was growing up, he'd have probably saved himself a lot of hardship. You may now officially rest comfortably, knowing that you put a good man out into the world.
Please tell me you have this on your running playlist. I almost had to take it off of mine - I tend to run at a completely unreasonable pace when this song comes on. It's almost killed me at least 3 times but totally worth it. It makes me feel like Usain fucking Bolt.
I can see the exact look on his face, and remember the feeling of the quickening heart. I can appreciate what a great moment that was for you as his dad. Another great post, B.
Oh, for a gentler day, and a tamer time. This brought back memories of my older sister playing George Michael's "Father Figure" in her car, and flicking her eyes back to check on me when he say the word "naked." Also memories of actually finding some sense of rage while listening to Rage, though now it tends to get me with a fit of giggles. It's so...theatrical.
I've encountered similar moments like yours w/ my 13 year old son, who totally think stories like the lame ass one I just told make me sound like I grew up in weird old fashioned times.
This entry was fantastic.
If you ever, ever get the chance - make sure you take him to see them live. I drove 10 hours to watch them about two years ago. People climbed up trees, tore down scaffolding, burned down tents and shot flares at things. All under the bright light of a giant red star on the stage.
The atmosphere was incomparable - just this thin veneer of social convention and civility over the top of all that crazy.
What made it even better was being able to check out Tom Morello doing his acoustic thing as The Nightwatchman earlier the same day. Where he waxed lyrical about peace, harmony and all the things in life that make us a bit more the same. I think maybe, ironically, one of those things is the need sometimes to just burst out of the mould. I'm pretty sure you're doing a good job of giving your son some options and opportunities in this regard.
Also +1 to the request for your running playlist.
I also have a Saturn Vue. We should start a car club.
I also couldn’t believe the song was 18-years-old
Damn, damn, damn. You just wrecked my day. 18? Frak.
I remember hearing this live when Rage opened for U2 in Memphis in May 1997, a day before I graduated from college, and thinking, "Yeah...this is what it means to be an adult. Fuck you--I won't do what you tell me!" A couple months later I was in a cubicle, with a supervisor, and I was paying federal and state income taxes. And doing what "they" told me.
goosebumps. i haven't got goosebumps from reading in a long time :)
It is so bizarre and unsettling to be at once the same entity that your son will be (is?) rebelling against and the one who invites him to write the other way on lined paper.
Those silences are thick. I hope that through "Killing in the Name," Jackson recognized connection. That he thought, "My old man wants to be there, to give for me, though he can't possibly remember." Or something like that.
Man, if my Dad played that when I was prepubescent, it would've seriously fucked with my mind. Like the polarity of a magnet sharing the exact same location. I might not change my underwear for awhile; rebellion through stench and general gnarliness.
The kids these days, they only have The Emo. How will this music express being an explosion? Being pissed off at the sun, at the evolution of betweeness? It's so whiny all the time! Or maybe I'm just too old to get it?
With luck, he'll discover Pearl Jams' "Leash", too.
Damn apostrophe. Plus, did I really write that many letters that clouded into words? I found a rock. I'm shimmying under it.
Just a few weeks ago my son (13) discovered The Ramones. I teared up.
I did again today reading your story ( I am such a dork)...
Last night I watched Pretty in Pink with my daughter (12) as a way of letting her know that all kids are mean, and it's ok to be yourself anyway.
Thank god for these bridges between there and here.
Good post!