Stupid Engine Light
My engine light came on. I am acting like it didn’t.
My engine light is still on. Let’s talk about something else.
My engine light is still on. How’s your family? What is the meaning of life?
My engine light is still on. I fantasize about the engine righting itself. I want the light to stop being on.
My engine light is still on. I wish I was a rock star. That would be so rad.
My engine light is still on. I avert my gaze. I turn up the radio.
My engine light is still on. It’s so yellow. It’s like a yellow fork in my eye.
My engine light is still on. But maybe it’s wrong. Maybe the engine light is broken. On by mistake. Because it’s broken.
My engine light is still on. I cultivate my denial. We’re saving for Hawaii in June.
My engine light is still on. It intrudes upon all my thoughts. It haunts my dreams. It signifies a meaningless world on a path to nowhere.
My engine light is still on. Maybe I should kill myself.
*
I have read that there was a time when primitive people were unaware they would die. When they witnessed the death of others, they considered it a fluke, something out of the ordinary, not able to conceive the same fate befalling them. I don’t know how anthropologists could know about this with any degree of certainty, but it’s an idea I frequently return to and attempt to imagine.
We’d just drive and drive and drive until our engines melted.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Reader Comments (24)
Maybe if you get the car washed, the engine light will go off.
Or, if you put a piece of electrical tape over it, you won't see it anymore! That's the same as it not being on.
E.T. had a type of "check engine" light, but his was red. So, take that, anthropologists!
I married an engine light putter-outer. Just because of that whole yellow fork in the eye thing.
If it's any consolation, he says 90% of the time it's just some stupid sensor that needs replacing.
In my experience, if you're really professional at ignoring, the thing will fix itself. About 50 percent of the time I'm a pro.
You probably just need an oil change.
"We’d just drive and drive and drive until our engines melted."
What a beautiful idea. I also am enamoured by the idea of death simply being an accident that happens to to others. Wouldn't you say that, even just a tiny bit, we still live in that mindset?
tonight i'm thinking about raccoons and how they can occasionally just become utterly ballistic because their chemicals go haywire, and they can attack and attack and attack and feel no pain, when normally, they are cute, large-eyed, wise woodland creatures. and how strange synapses and neurons and dopamine are. these aren't normal thoughts to be having. it is january again, for sure. january is mental health awareness month, did you know? this is month in which we are most aware of mental health, because of the contrast of bas relief. normally, i blithely think, "oh, sometimes, i feel that way. then it passes; see? and everything is okay." but when it is here, it IS everything, and even when i pretend that it's not, then my husband is scared of my eyes. damn january! and tomorrow, i will take a sick day. and i will find a lie to tell to my boss, because you can't say "mental health day" and mean it in a professional situation. but he will be able to tell that i lie, because he can see it in my eyes.
where is that jiffy lube place, again?
Apparently, the real Mental Health Awareness month is in May. "What?!" holler the masses. January is Glaucoma, Poverty and Alzheimer's and Thyroid and Radon Action. But, the one that I can really get behind? Volcano awareness! Truly. The US Geological Survey tells me don't kill the engine. Because: Volcanoes! Pyroclastic lahars! Explosions of magma!
in my experience, it's an emissions sensor. so nothing is going to happen to your car, you are just fouling the planet :)
My engine light has been on for 3 years.
Heh, yellow fork in your eye. My whole exhaust fell off the other day.
Did you just meet a big mileage milestone of the kind that means you should have a major tune-up/check-up done on your engine? Because it can sometimes come on for those. And we once had a check engine light come on immediately after having the car in for a tune-up. It turned out that somebody forgot to turn it off while the tune-up was happening. The garage in question was a 90-minute drive from our house, so going back in to get someone to turn the damn light off meant 3 hours of driving time in two lives that didn't really have spare time that came in 3-4 hour chunks.
Hawaii is lovely, but it's hard to go back to real life afterwards. I keep echoing the 4 year-old girl we were there with (along with her parents). "Remember that time we were in Hawaii? We should go back." I started saying that about ten minutes after we got on the plane to go home.
The engine light was on in my 1.5 yr old truck... I took it to the dealership, they reprogrammed the sensor, 3 d later it came back on again. So I continue to ignore it.
But don't we still live this way--as though death is an anomaly that happens to other people? How else do you explain the new rules of the road (except for the Swiss; they are excellent drivers,)?
My windshield wiper fluid light is on. And the "there is something wrong with your brake lights" light is on. I always wait til it rains to use my windshiled wipers and I KNOW my lights are all working (just got myself inspected). So I ignore it. I would miss the lights if they went "off" now...
Anastasia and Gwen. I see where you're coming from. We live essentially in denial of death. But how would ignorance of death alter the quality of life? We spend so much of our lives in fear - and most of our fears can likely be traced back to death in some form or another. So what I'm playing around with here is the possibility of a new kind of fearlessness that we can't begin to fathom. I don't think it's as simple as not thinking about it. I think ignorance changes everything about how we would live and feel. Or maybe not.
I think maybe my insomnia is my 'check engine' light.
I've been ignoring it for a long dang time. Science says my engine will indeed melt. Should be a good enough show to keep me occupied during aforementioned sleepless times, so it's not a completely lose-lose situation.
I still think the dying thing is a fluke.
I think I understand what you're asking about, BHJ.
I didn't read the book you did about ancient man (and I'm really really curious as to how anyone knows what this group thought about death, especially because my cynicism has me wondering how much presentism is inherent in any deduction we make about our predecessors) but it seems like there might be a good deal of denial in a world view that watches others expire, collapse, bleed out, that sees birds wheel lifeless to the ground, that negotiates the arc of the seasons, that (presumably) devours the flesh of other creatures and still doesn't make the connection between the individual--however primitive the idea of Self, a component that could be part of the equation--and the larger rhythms of observable events.
But that's probably bogging down the magic of fearlessness with form.
Does knowledge engender fear? If it does, how, in a world where Knowledge is Power, where the Self is supreme, do we get to the place of unfathomable fearlessness? And do we really want to live there?
I don't know. I was just riffing on an idea that my check engine light reminded me of.
If your car was made by GM, just ignore the stupid useless light and just wait for sounds or smells to be your indicator. And in case it helps fuel your denial, the light in my Toyota came on recently, then went off by itself maybe a week later. So there's hope!
As for the thoughts, I just love that. I'm pretty sure I still feel that way, like maybe everybody is just building up a huge practical joke on me and everyone who ever supposedly "died" is waiting behind a curtain for the scare of a lifetime (so to speak). Why would I ever die? I have so many things on my To Do list, I'm pretty sure it means I'll live forever, if only because of a technicality.
I don't know. I am pretty sure we totally deny death. We don't live in fear, if we did, we'd drive a lot better.
Although there is a big part of us that feels we can control death, too. This part blames people who smoked for getting cancer.
Both styles of coping with the finite and with pain create distance from other mortals.
But your words connect many of us. So, let's call it even.
X
Supa
Check your owner's manual (probably in your glove box). For MOST newer cars, the "check engine" light means that there is too much air in your emissions system. It is a simple, cheap fix - get a new gas cap (~$12). If the seal on yours is broken, or you didn't turn it enough clicks when you get gas, air gets into the system and the light goes on.
Next time you get gas, fill up, and turn your gas cap until you hear at least 2 clicks. During your next 3-5 outings, the light should go off. If it doesn't, get a new gas cap, turn it until you hear at least 2 clicks. The light should go off during your next 3-5 outings.
If the light continues to stay on, then maybe bit the bullet and take it in for a diagnostic check. A completely fried engine will cost a lot more.
Good luck!