Underwear And Autonomy
I understand the need for defiance. I really do. The children need to distinguish themselves. I get it. They are distinct, their own beings, incorrigible forces of difference. Fine, already.
I have something of a defiant streak myself, you know? I'm at a loss in sameness and stability. There's a big fuck you inside of me that insists on being its own distinct thing in just its own way. So what am I saying? I get it. I understand the kids today. I'm relating to them. I'm giving them one big hug across generations. Come here, you rabble rousers.
Do you see the huge flaw yet? Keep reading.
I was so ready for the stupid shit. You want blue hair? You got it. You wanna pierce your nipple with a staple gun? Oh ha ha ha. Have fun. Oh, look. Their clothes are on backwards just like the Kriss Kross ("A Daddy Mack'll make ya...") - there's nothing new under the sun.
All I wanted in middle school was a pierced ear, hair like the dudes in Megadeth, a jean jacket, and a girl who let me touch her tits. THAT IS ALL. I capitalized that last sentence in italics because I know my parents read this shit. You crushed my fucking spirit! I wanted to look so rockin'. But instead I looked like everyone else. I did, however, have a kickass jean jacket with a huge black Anthrax patch and, Michelle Cole, I will never forget that baseball dugout. The event is like a scar on the oldest part of my brain. (Who knew they were so perfectly soft?)
So because my parents thwarted my defiant rage toward individuality, which ached to look like all the other enraged individualists, I resolved to let my kids be who they wanted to be. I would let them emerge into themselves like flowers (with dew on them) opening to the morning sun. Ahhh. Hip parenting. Be what you are, little one. I will not hinder the call of your soul.
It's subtle. But do you see it? There's a big fucking error here.
The kids need to defy... ME. And I only complicate this defiance by trying to be cool about it. If I merely let my son have blue hair, this does nothing to satisfy his craving to defy me. See? He needs to defy me. It's his mission to fuck with my mind. I repeat. The child does not merely need defiant individuality. The defiant individuality MUST fuck with the parents' minds. Or it's no good. You're just letting a bunch of defiant individuality go to waste.
I'm looking at you, "cool" parents.
They will find your weakness. They will ignore what you're cool about and, like little Fuck-With-Dad Missiles, they'll hone in on what bothers you. And beat you to death. You know the big deal at my house right now? Underwear.
Why the fuck won't my son change his underwear?
Don't get me wrong. I know that people don't fall into the world magically knowing you should change your underwear. Being a parent ushers in a million little revelations about things we do and never think about. You have to chew. It prepares the food for a safe passage down the esophagus. That's a wall. They're inpenetrable. You should think about wiping your ass every single time. But this is not a matter of my son not knowing that human beings are such beings that change their underwear daily. He knows.
BHJ: I'm not trying to harass you. I'm not just being the big super LAME Dad who bosses you around with a bunch of arbitrary rules.
JACK (wishing he was on the moon or wondering what a tit feels like): ...
BHJ: I mean really dude. You can blare your fake punk rock. Grow your hair long. Whatever. But I'm telling you. You gotta change your underwear. You mustn't sacrifice personal hygiene just to irritate me. You need a new cause.
JACK (provides no indication that he understands English): ...
BHJ: Because dude. Here's the hard facts. Every time you pee, a little bit dribbles on your underwear. And your butthole? It stinks, dude. You just have to change it.
And I'm pretty sure he gets it. He comprehends the underlying logic that supports changing one's underwear as a reasonable activity. He knows it's expected of him. And he will not do it.
He won't. He won't change his fucking underwear.
And I know he has a memory. He remembers how the TV works and where we keep the ice cream. But there is some impossible thing inside him that needs to wear the same underwear forever and ever. And I am compelled to theorize that it's beyond laziness or the love for crusty underwear.
It makes him him, this resistance. Beyond the oppressive worldview of his Mom and Dad and their dusty versions of how to be, he distinguishes himself into his own solitary being by wearing dirty ass underwear. Being 11's a bitch.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Reader Comments (76)
So... you're saying that this pair of lucky underwear I've been wearing for the last 10 years might be in need of a wash?
Glad I sat by Lucy last night, then. Stinky pants Jack. Not an appetizer I want.
He'll change it fast enough with his first case of jock itch. You might try laying the foundations now by telling him that not changing his underwear could lead to a condition where his dick rots and falls off...
When I was 11, I seem to recall that the rebel kids never washed their hands after using the bathroom. It's a wonder any of us live to adulthood. Or find dates once we get there.
Q: What are you rebelling against, Jack?
A: Whaddya got?
(btw: dig the new header. working in a coal mine suggests opportunities for shadows on the cave wall, which is always a crowd-pleaser.)
Ok, I'll admit it. I wipe after I pee. Like a girl, but I don't giggle when I'm doing it (that's how I picture them doing it, anyway.) The dribble thing. It's true. And no amount of tapping does the trick. And now that I've admitted that, it was nice meeting everyone here and good luck with everything.
Excuse me, Mayo Pie. But you... wipe your dick?
Have I ever adequately introduced you to my stunningly brilliant and quietly insightful ten-year-old?
Mathias is this beautiful, ethereal being with fuzzy green teeth. And I swear to you, the next time I bust him out on not having brushed his teeth in the previous forty-eight hours, I am going to go into the utility room, emerge with a pair of pliers and make him cryyyyy with the notion that "....mommy will pull out every last one of those gorgeous choppers for you right this very minute so that you never have to bother yourself with teethbrushing again. C'mere son."
BECAUSE I AM A BAD MOTHER IF THE KID DOESN'T BRUSH HIS TEETH AND LORD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO BE VIEWED AS SUCH.
My aunt and uncle were hippies and their parents harassed them about growing their hair so long. They vowed to be so cool about that with their own kids. 'Grow your hair to your ass if you like, son!'
Instead? Their blond-haired, blue eyed child?
Shaved his fucking head.
I think I heard my uncle grumble 'helookslikeaneo-naziforfuck'ssake.'
But that was after he'd had two manhattans, so who knows for sure?
Yeah, we have that, too, with both of them. My kids hate a toothbrush.
Oh man, this cracks me up so much. But when it happens to me, I will go apeshit. I know myself well enough to admit that.
Thanks for reassuring me that this is exactly what I'm supposed to do.
The key, I think, is for me to overreact to little things that don't really bother me that much so they will stay on that low level of rebellion and my wife and I can laugh at them endlessly in private, as carefree as a summer breeze (one nowhere near downwind of little Jack).
"Those underwear are going into the washing machine in 10 minutes. Whether or not you're going in with them is up to you."
That's what I'd say.
Hello, BHJ.
Yes... I wipe my dick. And I'll admit that it sounds... feminine? But upon hearing my explanation I'm sure you'll agree that my reasoning is sound. Several years ago, I read some comments from women complaining that they'd go down on their men more often if their manbushes didn't smell like piss. They attributed this stench to incomplete or half-assed tapping throughout the day. Since getting a blowjob is one of my absolute favorite things and considering their inherent rarity, I decided that any deterrent was one too many. So, yes, I wipe my dick, but only as a courtesy to those licking it.
This is only my 3rd post and this comment section is off the chain.
Keep your kid away from my kid, ok? I don't want that stench around her.
Hey old man. Let the kids live free. Your rules mean nothing. We're a new generation and we're tired of this Walmart society that brainwashes us into using deodorant, popping prozacs, and changing our underwear. I say dribble baby, let it free, save your underwear, save your planet.
Mayo Pie - THANK YOU! I'm sure it's much nicer "down there" for the women who get to blow you. You're a very considerate man. Don't let these guys talk you out of it. Keep on keepin' on.
BHJ- My 12-year-old's defiance is not wearing deodorant. He says, "Mom, I'm a 12-year-old BOY!" And I say, "Yes, you're a 12-year-old boy who stinkgs to high heaven. Now put on some damn deodorant."
Would you advocate him going commando?
I always figured I better let my kids shock me with little shit. Get your ears pierced? Holy SHIT! Otherwise, they'd up the level. What I wonder, is how are Punk Rock Dad's kids gonna rebel? Start listening to Yanni and Barry Manilow? Wear Oxfords and saddle-shoes?
Leave the kid alone, grandad! I'm sure there are plenty girls out there with no sense of smell.
My kids don't wash their hair, brush their teeth or change their undewear. I've pretty much given up asking them to...
And I'm really LOLing at Mayo Pie!
So here's the thing. I AM the product of "hip parenting". I could color my hair, pierce my parts, listen to Stryper... Wait Christian band! Right! Mom was an atheist. I got her with that one. HA... so freaking clever.
Eh.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that I am the product of it so there you go.
They might be all lame just to defy you.
Never thought of the underpants thing.
Oh and you know how kids get all pissed because their mom "hugs" them all the time... I was pissed that my mom didn't hug me enough.
Okay, fuck all the rest of you. Mayo Pie is my new internet boyfriend.
Whether he wants to be or not.
I'd take a pair of scissors to his ass and cut them off. Because having a parent run around with a pair of scissors seems like the best. idea. ever.
After not changing your underwear.
Just let him have a look at any article with the keyword "crotch rot." That oughta fix the problem right up.
So....you're saying I should freak out about piercings and haircuts, even though they don't really freak me out, because otherwise my kid is going to be a crack addict just to up the ante?
Duly noted.
Also, wiping your dick is truly considerate. All dicks should be as lucky as Mayo Pie's.
When I was that age I decided that I wanted to wear the same pair of socks for about a week to piss off my mom. They were totally solid and could probably walk on their own, and the stench was horrendous by the end of the week. Even I couldn't stand it after a while and finally changed them. When I grew up, my protests were more along the line of dying my hair pink and then shaving half of it off. I'm sure all of this had something to do with having to go to Catholic school for 12 years.
PS: Mayopie, I'm sure I speak on behalf of many women when I get on my knees and thank you. Oh, wait. Nevermind.
Eh. At least he wears underwear. My THREE YEAR OLD refuses to put on underwear. And you know, I'm so tired of the battle. So I gave up. Kids are asses. If you're lucky, one day they'll outgrow it. Also, maybe he was wearing those underwear when he got his first handful of girl-boob, and now he's wearing them in hopes of a repeat occourance? Just a thought.
Wow, my 5-year-old son must be some kind of prodigy, because he's totally not waiting for puberty to bring the stank. I have to frog march him to the bathroom and make him brush his teeth, wash his hands, and wipe his butt, or it will not get done. Sometimes I randomly send him to the bathroom for a just-in-case butt wiping because dude, I know he needs it.
Mayo Pie keep on keepin' on! As a chick I truly appreciate a whiz-free man bush ;) My fiance is also just as thoughtful, if not more - he actually puts conditioner on his short curlies. How sweet of him. I love his soft fuzzy L'Oreal nether regions.
As for rebellious kids, yup, they'll do that. When my then-13 yo son heard a lice problem was going around the school, I stupidly made the remark that lice don't especially care for dirty hair, they like clean hair, so it doesn't necessarily mean a person is "dirty" if they get lice.
He didn't wash his hair for over a month.
Guess what? He got lice. And guess who had to wash his filthy hair with that nasty bug shit shampoo? ME! Blech. If bugs fleeing your "baby's" hair isn't enough to gross you out, then try enduring the stench of all of it along with the sight of dirt black water flowing down the drain. Odd how I had forgotten he had blonde hair. Ugh.
Then there is girl child. Her rebellion was to pop any pill handy, inhale Dust-Off and pierce whatever body part she could reach....at the age of 13...and end up in rehab.
I'll take a kid with dirty underpants any day, thankyouverymuch. At least it would keep the dog away from *my* crotch :)
Funny story dude!
Moon in MO
We should invent chocolate (and apparently raisin) scented toiletpaper. Then not only are you cleaning yourself up, your leaving a nice aroma behind as well. Fun for both boys and girls.
Maybe he doesn't like his selection of underwear? I don't care about them listening to annoying music or growing their hair long, but that fucking sideways hat thing? I'll smack them for that.
Underwear?!?!? your kid wears underwear? How in the world did you convince your child to wear underwear? I am a mother of four and I swear to GOD I have bought my children underwear and I swear to GOD all the fucking tags are still on them. You are like the father of all father's in my mind because your kid is wearing underwear
Mayo Pie (if that's your REAL name), you're not fooling anyone. We can all see through your facade, and it's clear what's going on. You're a woman. That imaginary penis you claim to be wiping is just your ploy to set the bar unreasonably high for those of us with actual penises. How can we be expected to wipe every time we pee? Do you have any idea the time, energy, and resources that takes up? Next you'll be suggesting we should use SOAP or some other such ridiculousness. Please, just spare us the act and admit what you're doing. No one's buying it. Really.
Plus, I second Jessica's comment. Kids are asses.
High five, Mayo Pie. It's just common courtesy. Two extra seconds to keep it fresh. My husband always wipes it. Otherwise, it's not going anywhere near my mouth without a shower.
Think about it, men. The benefits of girly wiping are huge.
I'm not wiping my dick. I can't get my head around ripping off toilet paper to wipe my dick.
My husband told me that real men give it a shake and shove it back in.
Really glad we have a girl.
I powder my dick. And then I throw a little wig on that sumbitch, because a wig on a dick? Suave.
Frac wouldn't change his fucking underwear for weeks. I kept doing laundry and couldn't find any of his man panties. So he took a bath, I stole his dirty underwear and forced him to go commando for a week.
One week of torment in the locker room and the kid is now religious about changing his underwear.
Of course, he has other issues now, but I never claimed to be a good mother.
And I've never heard of a man wiping his johnson after whizzing.
But I know a few guys *cough*brotherinlaw*cough* who sits every time he pisses.
His wife has him trained like a good puppy.
Frankly, I don't care if a man wipes his dick or not - I'm not putting my face anywhere near there unless he showers first.
Love the 11. Cling to 11. Cause 13 BLOWS, brother.
And is that really why guys are so obsessed with tits? The softness? For reals?
My 11-yr-old son changes his underwear a little too frequently AND he washes his hands every single time he pees. I don't know what our missiles are gonna look like, but it's gonna be bad. Real bad.
You could tell him to at least turn his underpants inside out, after a few days on the crust.
Palinode - best comment EVER.
You men complain about never getting blowjobs, but the mention of a little dick wipe and your masculinity is challenged. Might keep that underwear from getting so dirty, too. Just saying.
Um, guys? The women have spoken. Though if it's your consensus that taking steps to secure more blow jobs for yourself somehow makes you less of a man, then I'm not sure you got the updated list of man objectives at the last meeting. We got together and decided we really like those. We also did away with the definition of a man being "one that marinates penis in urine soaked cotton." But hey, I'm not here to start a fight and I admit that it's not the norm, but fuck dudes, MORE BLOW JOBS. Hello? Jesus, (other jesus) you'd think I said I wear panties and sing show tunes. Yes, there's a certain amount of courtesy involved but make no mistake about my selfish motivation.
loud. and. clear.
my oldest two boys don't change their underwear.. or their clothes for that matter. it's awesome.
no, really.
awesome.
I have to agree with Jess.. chocolate scented/flavored toilet paper is DEFINITELY in order.
I think the world would be a happier place, really.
Clean underwear is all well and good, and everything.....but how do you remove a 15 year old's hand from his penis? It's always there. Like it's crazy glued or something.
Oh, the fate of the liberal parent. I'm convinced my Jack is going to grow up to be an account who wears pleated slacks and listens to Barry Manilow, just to fuck with me.
I am no literary scholar, so I do not get the phrase "(with dew on them)".....what do you mean by that? Also, have you mentioned to Jack that he's probably not gonna get past first base if he smells like ass?