How I Proved To Jenna That Looking Like a Psycho Who Might Be A Pedophile Doesn't Intimidate Me
There’s a time for all kinds of things, like in the Bible, all those seasons, and there’s also a time for chili. When I’m sick, my body becomes this crazed chili needing thing and my mind is nothing more than an arena wherein this craving for chili is redundantly articulated. “Chili,” I think, “I need chili.” Jenna says, “What are you thinking about?” and I say “Chili. My mind’s a broken record. A DJ scratching Ch-Ch-Chili.”
So we go to Jay’s Deli where I eat a bowl of chili that’s not big enough and Jenna says “Go buy another one.” but I wave her off because it’s December. You can’t buy two bowls of chili in December. There’s bills and sugarplums and shit like that. So Jenna detects the opportunity to take advantage of my most exploitable weakness.
I consider dares insults. Attacks on my willingness to evolve. Accusations of stasis, the harbinger of Death.
“I dare you to take your dirty bowl up there,” she smiles (I’m interested. Bring it), “and act like you think there’s free chili refills.”
“Child’s play.”
“But you have to bring your bowl to that scared girl behind the counter, you have to sneer, and the only thing you’re allowed to say is ‘Lemme get some more of that chili.’ like you’re Travis Bickle. But that’s all. No matter what she says or asks you, you’re only allowed to keep repeating ‘Lemme get some more of that chili.’”
“Are you through?”
“Plus I dare you to wink at her.” She tried not to laugh but Lucy chimed in “Yeah, Daddy! Wink at the chili girl! Wink at the chili girl!” and my whole family laughed at me. Laughter. It’s like throwing gas on a dare fire.
Jenna, with the wink, had upped the ante from merely looking like a psycho – easy – to bordering on creepy pedophile, a tougher play. But a dare is a dare. I approached the young girl, chastising myself for loving this pain. She smiled with false enthusiasm and asked if she could help me. I can’t do this. I sneered. I can’t do this. “Lemme get some more of that chili.” I can’t do this. I winked.
There’s a luminous beauty in things when they’re flailing off balance.
The poor girl grappled to make sense of my odd demand in terms of standardized categories of rational requests. You could tell she was compelled to ask me what I meant or politely explain that I needed to pay for another bowl but the wink. The wink is what iced it. She took my empty bowl. She nodded. She said “Yes sir”. All like we were imaginary figments in some vaguely remembered dream.
I suppose, to the average diner, I looked like any ordinary man eating his second bowl of chili. But I wasn’t. I was the kind of man who had no fear of acting like a psycho who might be a pedophile. I scoffed at my own limits. I did what I could not do. And I ate my chili with a wild pounding heart.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Reader Comments (32)
you tell Jenna if she ever tires of you, i'll marry her.
So. How was it? Best bowl of chili ever?
That is about ten different kinds of awesome. I second Bon.
That was hilarious!! I love that Jenna dared you and that you pulled it off. But your chili obsessioon is a little scary!
The man loves chili, but hates soup, won't touch the stuff. Would someone please tell him that CHILI IS SOUP!!!
i. can't. fucking. believe. it.
(I'm practicing writing like a blogger. impressed?)
X
Supa
Your family is seriously flawed. Wish I were there. Feel better soon. Chili is good eating when you're sick.
You inspire me to just embrace the weirdness that is my family.
Now that's awesome. And your description is pitch perfect.
Next time, and I know there will be a next time, level up with a little Slingblade growl "mmmm-hMMM" following the wink. It would not only ice the deal but she would've positively scampered to fill your bowl. I contend that chili is a hybrid form of soup crossed with stew. Stoup?
Chili is my favorite soup!!!
Chili is a stew.
Oh dear god I laughed so hard. We would reek havoc on an eatery. The hilarity will ensue. I don't care if my gf just mentioned I am very immature. They shouldn't laugh if it isn't funny.
I am so doing that next time I am somewhere eating chili. I wonder if it would work for a woman. We just can't seem to do winks with the same flair.
This is winter's new game. I predict that the "chili wink" movement will proliferate faster than skinny legged jeans.
I'm with Ryan. The "chili wink" is something I don't dare tell my husband about or there could be chili wink wars.
"There’s a luminous beauty in things when they’re flailing off balance."
How you can break my heart while I'm laughing hysterically is what I consider the Universe's gift to me this year.
omg. i just spit out my wine i was laughing so hard. thank you for that. still chuckling.
See? Now your heart got pumping, and your cells are giving up the toxins at a higher rate. Jenna knew that JUST the chili wasn't gonna get rid of the bug. If you were shorter, the creepy would come across better. Next time, act like you're 5'7".
Holy shit was this every funny. I have been known to say that I laughed out loud when really I just meant something was funny, but this -- I totally giggled outloud through the whole last part.
chilis not a soup its a stew you can make chili soup but its still not chili so.. yup lol
Thank you for this excellent idea. Now that my parole officer is wise to the whole, "those files are on my computer because I'm a journalist doing research," I'm going to start using, "my wife dared me to" as my defense.
that shit is just funny, right there.
I'm pretty sure this is the best chili story ever written. And I've read them all, so I know what I'm talking about. What's more interesting is how impressed I am that you took the dare and the balls it must have taken to do it. It's almost like our generation's version of storming the beach at Normandy. For that, the least you deserve is a bowl of chili. Awesome. Seriously, this is oddly inspiring. I must now score free chili and savor the glory.
This. This I love. And I looove me some chili. Wink is a bonus.
I think someone needs to start a site outlining how to get free stuff like that (though I'm sure if I looked hard enough... I'd find it.)
that rocks.
truly.
I would've just claimed there was a bug in the first bowl and asked for a clean refill.
And yet you said nothing at BlogHer when I acted all creepy and threatened to steal your coffee on an escalator long before I knew who you were.
Course you probably don't remember that.
Also, Jenna is awesome.
brilliant! we could all stand to come off as psycho peophiles once in awhile. does a body good.
or pedophiles. whichever.
I love this. You sound like a fun bunch.
Jenn's comment. She said what I felt but didn't manage to think.