Callings
When I met Jenna, I was some kind of catch.
Jobless. Carless. Soon to be homeless and looking for a place to crash. I bought cartons of cigarettes with a credit card. I ate beans and rice and the pages of books. All I wanted to do was read and dream up stories and poems. My parents were concerned.
Then again, Jenna was no prize herself. Cleaned up off heroin for only five months and two months pregnant—her husband was in prison. We had success written all over us. A match! My parents were concerned.
*
We shared her car for a couple years. I’d drop her off at work at the bookstore and go goof off or whatever. Look for a job half-heartedly. On April 13th, 1998, I fell asleep and Jenna stood out in the rain for an hour after her shift. It was her 29th birthday.
Told you I was a catch.
*
For those of you who only know me through the words typed here, it’s a mistake to think I’m wordy. I say little. I’m mostly adrift in my own daydreams. Lost in my thoughts, I could go weeks without speaking and love it. Thoreau’s cabin on Walden Pond and Heidegger’s hut in the Black Forest serve as mythological places for me, part of my dream for a place to hide for months at a time. I imagine being hard to love. I imagine that loving me is a lot like waiting outside in the rain.
I’ve felt poignantly guilty about this while, at the same time, feeling incredibly lucky to be so called to a particular vocation. Not everybody knows what they want to do and it looks like it hurts. I see a lot of stumbling around. I’ve seen Jenna stumble around, looking for her place beyond the roles of Mom and Wife, probably ashamed for even wondering. We try to tell ourselves it should be enough. It’s not. Our families aren’t served by ignoring what calls us.
*
Last week, she said with certainty and dazzling eyes “I’m going to start a support group for kids who lose their parents to cancer. That’s what’s missing. I see them every day and I can’t help them. They need each other. I want to make a place for them.” Then she had the nerve to express concern about how much time it would take.
*
Me and the kids will be outside, waiting proudly in the rain.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Reader Comments (33)
Holy shit. Such a good post.
Bravo.
the nerve.
seriously, jenna, this is entirely selfless and beautiful.
a dream worth waiting in the rain for. May it come to pass.
Nothing gives me more hope for humanity than watching someone support their spouse like this. What a wonderful choice she's making, and what a beautiful thing you're doing by supporting her. (Not to mention both of you being fabulous role models for your kids.)
My husband was in jail for armed robbery for many years. I used to be a hooker. Now we're clean, with kids, worried about how much coffee we drink.
This post is the most beautiful, exquisite love letter I will ever read. You and Jenna are fucking beautiful.
I remember meeting you guys in Las Vegas for dinner. And the minute I met Jenna, I knew you were with a very special woman.
I'm in awe. You guys, and this glimpse of the past, just...kudos.
Where you two have been, where you are now and where you strive to be is a story of love, devotion, ambition, success with heights to reach known only to a few....
Not concerned...proud beyond words.
Jenna you are an inspiration.
Oh you with the words. I was almost ok till the last couple sentences.
Bobo says 'why you makin my mommy cry Black Hockey Jesus?'
I love your wife.
A perfect idea. Good luck, and godspeed, Jenna.
Inspiring and brilliantly wtitten.
Beautiful and inspiring.
Beautiful. You are a lucky man. But I think you know that.
Awesome! Glad to hear someone is pursuing her dreams and making the world a better place. As for your sorry ass--what gives?
'Tis good.
So much to love about this post.
Sounds like you've both come one hell of a long way. The best is yet to come.
Gorgeous.
Not everybody knows what they want to do and it looks like it hurts. That is killer, just killer.
Beautiful.
Both of you.
I don't even know what to say. This gives me hope.
:: cue Sonny & Cher I Got You, Babe! ::
pft. right on, man. is there an age limit on that support group or can you just drop in, even if you're 43? whoops! 44 pretty soon! ...well, canya..?? what about if you lost both parents to cancer?
Well that's just sweet, though. Thinking of the chill dren. Of course you are.
Because nobody thinks enough about children around here...we just keep reproducing! Yes!
Child psychiatry. Brills. Good luck with that Mrs. Hockey-Jesus.
Holy Mother of Pearl! One could only imagine what lay behind the BHJ family, but never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be reading this.
You are an amazing eclectic family and the fact that you are all so different is probably the cement that holds you together.
I love you. And I love Jenna. And even though I hate saying the same stupid shit everybody says in your comments because I'm one of those stumbling around, what am I going to do - not tell you I love you after a post like that? Well I'm sorry, I just can't do that.
Gotta delurk for this one. Good on you both.
Very, very cool, Jenna. Very cool.
Damn. (That's a good, misty-eyed, lump-in-throat "damn", BTW)
Your writing touches me in a place I haven't felt in 20 years. I forgot that little place in my soul existed. You're stories/prose reminds me of an old childhood friend that I never had. You are uplifting and yet I am crying. I'm reading your archives in a state of wonder and confusion, in awe of your ability to paint a picture of your life and innermost thoughts. You are one of the most profound authors i have ever read and that's saying something. I've read since i was 3 years old and I read at least one novel a day. i read every genre except romance(blech) and nothing commes close to you. You surpass the "best" classics and I can't compare your ability to anyone. F. Scott Fitzgerald and Sylvia Plath would be ashamed to be in your presence. i am humbled. Thank you.
Well I don't know about all that. But thanks. That was quite a comment.
So well done.
I came to the conclusion today that my husband sucks as a partner and co-parent sometimes. But he's a really good person and that makes up for it. It makes any sacrifices I make worth it.