If You Don't Want To Read About My Penis, Wait A Few Days Till My Mom's Birthday
I have bifocals and a urologist but me and Eddie Vedder are still alive so that’s something. The sun, my friends, is setting on my 30s. Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. I used to hope I’d die before I got old. But now I’m content with a good bowel movement.
The black snake in my stomach, the pain in my lower abdomen when I run, remains a mystery. I don’t know any witch doctors so my situation continues to be confined within the framework of Western medicine and the biased perspective of my urologist and his fancy degrees. I fantasize about chewing on a bitter root in a sweat lodge as a shaman chants and puts hot stones on my belly but my urologist has other plans. If he’d just put a bowl of sweet milk by my head, the snake would more than likely slither right out of my mouth but he just gives me Lortabs and tests.
In spite of the pain being in my lower abdomen, my urologist is obsessed with my penis and balls. I don’t get science. My insurance company is thrilled. The other day I peed into this machine that measured my urinary force. I filled a 1000cc container, kept going, and made a big puddle on the exam room floor, vaguely sensing that this exceeded the scope of the test. The nurse looked at me like she hated her job but she’s also the one who made me drink 16 oz of water two hours before my appointment.
The doctor said I wasn’t normal. I’m used to this kind of thing.
He said the average person could hardly stand 550ccs of urine in their bladder and that I just filled a 1000cc container while adding maybe 300 to the exam room floor. But all we learned was that I have an enormous bladder. I can also juggle. Still hurts when I run.
Next week I’m getting a CT scan of my abdomen and the week after that I’m getting a cystoscopy. “Cystoscopy” is a fancy word for using a telescope to look at my bladder, which sounds like no big deal except for the part about the telescope being jammed in my penis. They’re going to put a telescope in my penis. What I’m trying to tell you is that they’re going to put a telescope in my penis.
I’m sorry, Reader, for this post’s lack of literary finesse but, in case you missed it, they’re going to put a telescope in my penis.
I keep repeating that they’re going to put a telescope in my penis as a means to come to terms with the idea of a telescope in my penis. Again, I’m no scientist but I’m reasonably certain that you’re not supposed to put anything in your penis. And I’m fairly adventurous. I see myself as a guy who likes to try new things. I’ll eat sea urchin. Go sky diving. You can even tie me up and beat me with a riding crop. I’m game. But, hey, let’s not put stuff in my penis. Even witch doctors (so naïve and primitive!) look askance at putting things in your penis. It’s just not done.
Nonetheless, that’s the plan. CT scans, Lortabs, and a telescope in my penis—all toward the end of finding out what’s wrong with me when I suspect that all they’re going to find is that I’m just not normal.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Reader Comments (19)
Man. I will be saying good thoughts for u. I just wrote about Vedder too today. Let's slap on Vitology and pray for smooth sailing into our old time years! Yeah? I am sure you will get good pain meds before insertion, no?
A large bladder, in and of itself, seems like a good thing to have. There are women reading this right now who are so jealous of that bladder that they're peeing their pants. Actually, they're peeing their pants because they've had too many babies, not because they're jealous, but whatever.
Maybe, if the problem turns out not to involve the bladder, they'll leave that awesome bladder alone.
Bladder. Bladder. Strange word.
Good luck, BHJ.
As I don't have a penis, I'll agree that I wouldn't much like a telescope in m urethra. Or in my colon for that matter. I can't bring myself to get a mammogram.
You make me laugh out loud... altho' a telescope in your penis is serious business and is makin me twitch. Sorry you have to go thur all this and am hoping they get it figured out soon. That black snake pain has to be pretty severe if you are willing to go thru all these tests! Will be waiting for good news..love to you, mom
Remember when I told you about the eel that swam up a guy's penis at a Chinese spa, and you were so happy to have information like that and so grateful to me and it was pretty much the best moment in our friendship ever?
For some reason, I'm reminded of that.
(I might know some jungle-dwelling snake-charming witch doctors. If this doesn't work, I mean.)
It's strange. Our bodies appear to be disintegrating in similar ways simultaneously. This week I had a camera shoved up my vagina and into my uterus. Maybe you really ARE my brother.
Did you say you were going to have a telescope shoved in your penis? Sorry, BHJ, but that made me yelp 'Jesus Christ'!!! Tell me they don't have to put a fucking lamp up there to see better. *Full body shiver* And have you tried danging a rat in front of you mouth/ ass to get the snake to come out? Snakes love rodents. Just try it.
For your sake I hope they insert the telescope the right way. Otherwise they'll decide that your problem is too tiny and far away to be solved.
Your blog always eats my comments.
A baby shouldn't have to be pushed out of a vagina, either.
Good luck, though. It sounds hideous.
I'm rooting for the shaman.
I went to the doctor with a pain in my ovary. I came away with the sternly delivered news that I should undergo an operation to stretch my bladder. Although my bladder has now been stretched, I do not know how much urine it can hold. I still get the pain in my ovary.
Its Ok BHJ..Its a Very Small Telescope,,,and if your urologist is a good one he/she(?) will numb you up good.
i know a witch doctor of sorts.
do send me an email if you want the number.
she'll witch doctor your balls over the phone.
Yikes! I hope they do find the root of your pain. I had to have a cameral shoved up inside me and I can't say it was pleasant but they found the root of the problem immediately. I have sought out alternative medicine for other chronic pain that came from unknown origin so I do not dismiss it. Maybe a snake charmer would help? Positive thoughts, vibes, love, & light your way.
I don't think a telescope in your penis is the kind of thing you can come to terms with. Hope the findings are strange, wonderful, and benign.
I groaned out loud, which is similar to laughing out loud, but much worse. I hope they give you a pill or something to ease the insertion.
The last line in Pamela's comment begs to be a song lyric.
My son had a *situation* a few years ago. His pain was different than yours, but he received the same tests—I cried watching. He ended up having surgery (in his penis) and all is well now. I've had a cystoscopy, but I'm not a man. Wasn't comfortable, though. I hope they determine the cause of your pain—good luck with all of your tests. (1000cc plus more? jeesh.)
I cannot imagine anything up my who-ha that isn't supposed to go there! I suspect it will feel like having a catheter. ICK. I'm sorry! Will be thinking positive thoughts for you and your penis (dear god, what the fresh hell am I saying?!? LOL).