4 MONTH UPDATE: The 365 Day BHJ Fitness Regime
CAUTION: This is not professional fitness advice. My ideas are for the most part instruments of my ego and not products of sound athletic training. The views presented here are not for everyone, especially if you’re lazy. This blog is for cool people and narcissists.
My buddy Jimmy, when he was defending his 100 mile race title in Moab, said his body just completely stopped working at mile 77. All his muscles seized up and stopped listening to his brain. So you know what he did? He crawled. The crazy bastard was gonna crawl 23 fucking miles. That is, until the 2nd place guy went trotting past him and it pissed him off so much, he got up and ran again like some loping hobbling Jesus miracle. In the end he lost. But still. That’s hardcore to the bone.
And even Jimmy says I shouldn’t run every day. Pfft.
At the close of the 124th day of 2010, I’ve now run every single day for a total of 734 miles. My weight loss has leveled off at around 40 pounds. I still don’t eat meat but, now that I’m no longer interested in weight loss, I’ve allowed myself to eat quite a bit more and I’ve even had a few candy binges. I might be stubborn enough to run every day, but a Nutter Butter will make me its bitch for true.
When I don’t want to start running or when I am running and want to quit, I think of Jimmy crawling on a road in the middle of the night after running 77 miles. Can you imagine bloody knees on asphalt feeling better than walking? What would make a guy try to crawl 23 miles? What would make a 220 pound (now 180 *pumps fist*) guy decide to run every day, no matter what?
I’ve already said a lot, in previous updates, about pain and the need to form a new relationship to it. I stand by all that stuff. Running hurts. But it’s a mistake to dwell too much on masochism. Masochism is just a bridge to somewhere else. I ignore myself—hurt myself—to forget myself. To see what’s beyond me. There’s a place where pain gets kind of blunted and fuzzy and the ability to make distinctions between what feels good and what feels bad falls away. It’s not pain or pleasure because those things can only occur in relation to a me. Those conditions depend on a self—a self that has been overcome and forgotten—shed, like a snake slithering free of its skin.
So what’s left then? Nothing? No. It’s not nothing. There’s a bigger kind of somewhere between you and nothing that resists being talked about. But it’s there for you, beyond you, after you lace up your shoes, lose a little faith in yourself, and run like an animal chasing the moon’s reflection in countless drops of rain.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Reader Comments (16)
"But it’s there for you, beyond you, after you lace up your shoes, lose a little faith in yourself, and run like an animal chasing the moon’s reflection in countless drops of rain."
you string words together and they grow into the most magical beanstalks to lands of feelings and tears and laughter and a bursting swell of life in the thorax. *sigh*
i am on day 9 of the 100 day wwbhjd fitness regime and two days ago i cried as i went up and down the stairs at work, whilst today i merely whimpered.
You'd think the days I'd love to run the most are the beautiful ones; not too hot, not too cold, nice steady pace. You'd think. But really, the best days are the below zero ones, the pouring rain, driving wind ones. The days that people drive by me and surely think, "What the fuck is that woman doing"? And then I get home, look in the mirror while still trying to pace my breathing and smile and say, "Yes, woman, what are you doing, trying to kill yourself"? And then I break out into laughter as I strip down and think, "No, bitch, I'm trying to live."
Run, baby, run.
I guess so.
Wow. You're probably seen those bumper stickers that say "Speed Kills" and given them the finger. Good.
wow.
ok someone who commented on my blog linked yours in their comment...now i must *stalk* you!!!!!!!!!!!!
bostondreampie.blogspot.com
Agreed. I wuss out and only run 5 times a week, strategically placing days off before and after a long run on Saturday or Sunday. Pain is my friend. He hurts me because he loves me. Pay no attention to the bruises. I tripped.
Every time I don't want to run I think of my friend that at over 300 pounds could only run to the end of his block the first day and now he is 215, all muscle and runs marathons, 24 hour marathons and his next goal is 100 miles. Then I put my head up and work through the cramps and the gasping.
I have such a love/hate relationship with discomfort and pain. That is, I hate it until I love it. Wash, rinse and repeat.
I seem to have been born without the built-in stop gap that tells me when pleasure has passed into pain, and vice versa, because sometimes I get really into suffering. Hence that little problem with drinking until I nearly died, all with a big old smile on my face. I spent the next two and a half years treating myself gingerly, tenderly, just to get through the days. Unfortunately that meant I ate anything that wasn't nailed down.
Now I'm almost three years sober and - inspired by you, in part - kicking into gear with diet and exercise. That pleasure/pain line is still fuzzy for me... I have a tendency to go overboard, even when I'm using my powers for good, and I have a hard time figuring out why.
And then I read this: "There’s a place where pain gets kind of blunted and fuzzy and the ability to make distinctions between what feels good and what feels bad falls away. It’s not pain or pleasure because those things can only occur in relation to a me. Those conditions depend on a self—a self that has been overcome and forgotten—shed, like a snake slithering free of its skin."
This touched my heart-gut, and I thank you.
-Ellie
I can't run but if I could this post would make me want to.
I've been drinking.
I found when I trained for my half marathon that I had to get to a point where my heart could take the pace I was running... that first few miles is the worst for me, once I get through that I'm good to run like Forrest Gump! Great post... I love the way you write.
I so get this. And I have more faith in myself than ever. I see the future in which I will understand this even more and carry even more faith. It will be necessary to have a lot of faith to travel the journey I'm planning for myself.
Thanks for continuing to be an inspiration.
When I run I taste blood. I feel as though I have inhaled thousands of glass shards. I feel like I am wearing cinder blocks for running shoes. When I am done? I have the biggest mother fucking grin on my face. Mostly because I am laughing at my running technique that is much like someone who found a bat in her panties but also because...holy shit I just ran three miles....and NO ONE WAS CHASING ME!
Keep it up man. As you know, you are awesome!
Jimmy's "hardcore to the bone" for sure, but you're on his tail. Running does hurt [I do it most days.], but your writing doesn't. Awesome.
So I guess in a roundabout fashion... The only thing separating all that you can be from all you are is that which you seek to preserve as your self.
I don't know if that's what you're writing. But that's what I'm reading. Something about fear and freedom to grow. Or maybe not grow and just be.
Your words are beautiful. I would love to share my experience with sugar. Sugar was hurting my body more than meat. I was vegetarian and eventually vegan for 8 years. I found that I craved and ate WAY more sugar and I gained tons of weight, had no energy, my skin turned a weird grey color and my hair thinned. I also had new mood swings and depression that required medication. I reluctantly decided a few years ago to reintroduce meat into my diet and all my symptoms started to disappear. I don't know what's best for everyone else's body but my experience with sugar was very extreme. Meat makes me have more stamina and energy, and my head feels more clear, and my mood is 100% stabilized. I don't do sugar or simple carbs anymore, especially before working out. Maybe it will help runners who are wondering how to get the extra energy? I dunno, it's worth a try...Just my two cents...