It's True I Am A Villian When You Fall Ill, That's Probably Because Men Never Can Be. Not Like A Girl.
One time, back when I was jobless and carless and crashing at Jenna’s apartment, I borrowed her car and found myself driving down the highway behind a truck about to lose several gallons of white paint. It was a dreamy vision, a cavalcade of paint grenades exploding on the highway. Too close behind the truck for any hope of stopping, I barreled through the huge paint puddle and screamed “WHOOOO HOOOOO YEAHHHH!” Jenna’s car looked like a blue and white Pollock. It was really cool. This was the first time Jenna and I completely disagreed about what was cool.
There have been a few more.
Disagreements.
Today is Jenna’s birthday. I bought her a couple things. Wish I could wrap up the ability to know when I’m wrong with an apology that didn’t sound like a sociopathic parrot.
A lot of pop psychologies emphasize acceptance. The bottom half of the car was splattered with white paint. Think of all the causes and conditions that needed to line up perfectly in space and time to splash the bottom half of the car, just so, with white paint. It’s obvious to the theologically minded that God wanted the car splattered with white paint. Who are you to question God? Let go and let God (cover the bottom half of the car with white paint).
My buddy Deez is getting married in September. He asked me about making relationships work and I laughed at him. You can’t waste your time worrying about how to make relationships work. Finding someone to love you is easy. The trick? Finding someone who can stand you.
Happy Birthday, Jenna. I’m sorry about covering your car with paint 12 years ago. You and our marriage counselor are wrong, though. I can too apologize.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Reader Comments (10)
................................................ :)
I'm not sure apologizing counts if you are doing it to be contrary. But it makes a good read.
request: 1 follow up post featuring reactions to above apology.
and HBD jenna!
Happy Birthday Jenna...and BHJ, I really needed a smile today, this did it. Thank you.
Happy Birthday Jenna! Apparently the paint didn't help the looks of the car any. I think it would make our car look better! You just drive cars that are too nice looking!
Apologies are utensils; behavior is steak (or, perhaps, a grilled portobello - one of those massive jobbies). You use the apology to dissect the behavior and make it something the other person can stomach. If the other person is not up for the experience, no apology can make some behaviors palatable. If the other person is ready to forgive, he or she will appreciate the gesture and then dig in with fingers and make a meal of you. But in the nice way, of course. Not like some kind of cannibal. But cannibals need love too, I guess. Just keep the steak knives in the drawer when you start apologizing to cannibals. They can really have hair triggers. And don't get me started on zombies, but also, don't get them started on me.
Happy birthday, Jett Travolta, Wally from Leave it to Beev, and Mia Sorvino's dad. If you'd only waited another twelve days you'd have shared a birthday with me, and I'd have had to apologize to you all for ruining it for you.
This is touching. Reminds me of the wrestling matches my uncle used to have with me as a naive child.
I read the first paragraph and nodded ... of course, of COURSE this happened to BHJ. And what a prize catch you were, back then!
My husband and I have been together for ten years. I *think* I'm just starting to understand what the fuck we are both doing together.
Happy birthday Jenna!
happy birthday, jenna.
Happy Birthday, Jenna
As your gift to me (which I've decided is traditional), please share your thoughts on this and other equally "wacky" incidents. Don't feel self-conscious about your writing skills compared to BHJ, and just cut loose. Everyone would love it!