And I Guess That I Just Don't Know
"Here you are. Wash away. Wash off. Wash with your whole heart. Get out of my car."
I was trying to drop Jack off at the Middle School Band Car Wash, but he just stared out the window. He's like that. He gets sumbmerged in these powerful reveries that completely block out reality, which is really awesome and cool, unless you're in a hurry.
There was a pack of bored 8th Grade chicks, chomping on bubble gum, hands on hips. A bunch of rowdy little dudes shoved each other and laughed their heads off, all of them at least 6 inches taller than Jack. The band director pointed his finger and yelled junk. The whole scene was set to Heroin by The Velvet Underground playing inside the car, which made everything feel trippy and weird. Jack was all tense and nervy, which made me want to start sobbing uncontrollably like someone showing off at a funeral.
A pack of vultures descended on the car and pecked away at my son's distinction. He must go through this. But why, I wonder, can't he always be a mad blue fire that burns and thrives in a rain of cola and dimes?
I watched him walk into the crowd, self consciously adjusting the way he walked, held himself, thought. Watched all his quirky possibility struggle to conform. Well. In a world where anything is possible, Lucy and I decided what the fuck? Let's get some doughnuts. She loves the bakery where she can watch them move along the conveyor belt and dip into the glaze. And I just love watching Lucy eat doughnuts, when the sugar hits her brain.
She nibbled off all the orange and brown sprinkles without harming the integrity of the doughnut and I merely watched her, wondering if she sold her soul to the devil. She's the prettiest thing in the world. She makes me want to sob uncontrollably. Instead, I bit a raspberry filled jelly that dripped down my chin. Lucy commanded the entire bakery's attention with a convincing show of mock terror.
"ARGHHHH MY DADDY'S A VAMPIRE SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM THIS BLOODY MAN!" She ran. "HELP ME WON'T YOU HELP ME?!? MY DADDY'S A BLOODSUCKER!" She begged the cashier "CALL 911! CALL MY MOM! DON'T JUST STAND THERE MY DADDY'S A VAMPIRE!"
And I just smiled with rubies dripping down my chin. Fire engine memories. Shining apples. Poppies. Pieces of my heart.
*
Dear Jack and Lucy. You are absolutely singular beings. Be wary of people who insist on relating to you. Resist being understood. Guard your crazy. Keep your secrets. Stake your claim in the dark. Form relations between isolations. Be a part by remaining apart.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Reader Comments (21)
the dear Jack & Lucy coda reads a little bit like Ginsberg, to me, which i mean utterly as a compliment.
and my brain scrambles, at the same time, wondering about a world in which my PARENTS introduced me to VU. timewise, it coulda been. but so never was. and thus i realize you're right about people who insist on relating...us - the parents - included.
My son is barely two and already has this distinctive way of eating an oreo. I give in and give him a second one just to revel in watching him eat it.
In other news, fuck you're good. Keep it comin' sir.
"Be a part while remaining apart." The hardest thing for a kid to do. Here's hoping Jack and Lucy find a way.
the best part, "resist being understood and be a part of remaing apart."
i like being underground, surrounded by velvet, and eating donuts.
be a part while remaining apart, sugar coating and creme filled
thanks for the beautiful post
Think of middle and high schools as the flames that burn away everything but the glowing, molten core. Only by learning to conform can you discover beautiful singularity.
Those seem like two opposing images, don't they? But, I don't know. they work together well in my head.
moms aren't something enough to enjoy the moment when the sugar hits the brain, but this being October, I'll try to watch for, try to enjoy it.
You took my breath away.
Good advice. Beauty.
sweet, beautiful and true. learning to stay apart, a lesson we all get to live through.
'nuff said.
I like this. I feel this.
I've had Lou Reed running laps between my ears all dang day and then I come here for this. The UFOs, the UFOs!
You ever see the movie Over The Edge? If not, you maybe should. It might just be the cheesiest and most awfully wonderful 'youth hunting truth' movie ever made. Jackson being swallowed into the others was very evocative of an OTE kind of vibe. Said vibe both freaks me the fuck out and stirs anarchic excitement in my chest.
I hope Lucy's theatrics are never old, always this innocent and forever unselfconscious.
i really enjoyed this post for lots of reasons. it was really wonderfully written, very illustrative. you have quite a knack for picking up the small nuances of persons. im sure it helps that they are your kids, but nevertheless, i loved it. thanks!
this is beautiful, and yet hilarious. i can just see your little lady running around the donut shop screaming her head off, whether she really did it or not. and it matters not if it is fiction or fact, because it is there and it is evocative of so much love.
"Resist being understood. Guard your crazy. Keep your secrets. Stake your claim in the dark. Form relations between isolations."
There it is right there. Very much speaks to my inner anarchist.
"Guard your crazy. Keep your secrets" Wish Joan did this. She told me her boyfriend won't fuck her, just plain not interested 8 months in. She was going to leave. I was going to help. Now she's marrying him. UGH. That's going to be one hell of a maid of honour speech.
PS:Honour is not spelled wrong, I'm Canadian. Represent.
Wise words, these. Wise, and beautiful.
(And apropros of nothing, I have a Jack -- and wanted a Lucy.)
Man, all my mom ever played in the car was country music.
...is there any other way to sob besides "uncontrollably"...?
I think so.
...I sobbed uninhibited...
...her sobbing was inconsolable...
...his sobs erupted from the depths of his soul and bled uncomforted into the world...
but...whatever. I prefer weeping to sobbing, so I'm really no judge.
Heroin is one of the coolest songs ever. That is all. Also, you rock. So I guess that wasn't all.